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How do I tell if he loves me young couple quarrelling back to back
 /  Dating

How Do I Tell If He Loves Me? 19 Signs from a Man’s Perspective

Joshua Sigafus

Dating, Relationships

Joshua has 15 years of writing experience within the complex territories of dating, masculinity, and relationships. His own personal life journey was kick-started by a pivotal marital breakdown of his own and led him down a path of self-discovery and masculine transformation, culminating in him developing a career as a men's dating coach. Read full bio.

Last Updated: Oct 27, 2023
19 min read
Key Takeaways

The best way to tell for sure that a man loves you is by watching his behavior. If he invests in you, prioritizes you, and takes action in life to demonstrate his affection and desire for you—then his desire is likely real. This stands in stark contrast to men who say that they love you without ever prioritizing you or taking action to back up their words.

I once met a woman on a dating app and went on a date with her. 

We had a great date, and I asked her out again the following week. 

But here’s the thing. 

At the time, I was a single man—and I was actually casually dating multiple different women. 

And I’ll be honest—while I did enjoy this woman’s company, she wasn’t my first choice. 

Thus, my good morning, good night, and daily update/random thought texts were going to other women. 

And when she noticed that I just wasn’t investing that much energy into our conversation, she sent me a long paragraph about how she wasn’t interested in being ‘led on’ by a man who wasn’t seriously interested in her. 

See, here’s the thing. She was right. 

Yes, I considered her attractive and cool. But when it really came down to it, she probably didn’t have much of a chance with me long-term. 

And when she realized that I wasn’t investing in her to a degree that made her feel like a priority, she removed herself from my frame. 

This woman knew how to spot the signs that a man was (or wasn’t) genuinely interested in her. She knew how to tell if a man actually wanted her, or if she was just another ‘fun person’ to pass time with one or two evenings a week. 

But a lot of women really struggle with this. 

A lot of women want to really hope that the man they like will like them back to the same extent—and sometimes, this can cause them to stay in those dreaded ‘situationships’ that probably aren’t leading where they want them to go.

So in this blog post, I’m going to teach you the ‘code’ for learning how to figure out if a man is actually choosing you as his first option—or if he’s just hanging out with you because you’re fun to pass the time with. 

Here’s how to tell if a man actually loves, wants, and desires you as his first choice. 

Defining The Term: What Is ‘Love?’

love is a choice

Understanding what the idea of ‘love’ actually represents is crucial to understanding how invested a man is in building a healthy, happy, fulfilling, safe, long-term relationship with you. 

So before we dive into the signs that he loves you, let’s talk about the idea of love from a philosophical perspective. 

Some people equate words like affection or infatuation with the idea of love. Other people equate love with attachment. And some people would say that lust could even be described as a ‘necessary ingredient’—an essential component required for romantic love to be present within the relationship. 

But for the purposes of describing a willingness to commit and a longing to build a stable, secure relationship, these comparisons all fall a bit short—and here’s why. 

It’s in your best interest to conceptualize love not as a feeling, but as an action—an intentional mode of being—a decision or choice that predicts the values and standards you (or in this case, the man you’re dating) plan to place upon a significant other. 

The truth of the matter is that men are much more likely to love women whom they feel lust, infatuation, affection, and attachment for. 

But these feelings, in and of themselves, don’t necessarily guarantee that love is going to exist. 

Love will only exist when the man makes a conscious, intentional, purposeful decision to apply effort to his investment into you—determining to contribute to your wellbeing, bring you into his tribe, and provide safety and security for you—to the end of helping you to survive and thrive within the context of the shared infrastructure of your partnership.

This is the type of love you really want to look for. And it never happens by accident. 

True love is always a choice, and it’s always demonstrated by action. 

And in order to ensure that it’s present in your relationship, you’ll want to look for the following 19 signs—to make sure that you’re actually being loved enough, and to a great enough degree, that a return investment from your end is wise and warranted.  

19 Signs He Loves You From the Perspective of a Male Dating Coach

1. He Invests ‘Energy’ Into You

a man who makes time for you

Whether you call it energy or effort, the truth of the matter is that a man will spend it on you if he’s seriously into you. 


Because if he sees a future with you, he’ll see invested energy and effort as an investment in his future. 

If not—he’ll only invest in the short term, when it’s convenient and likely to produce an immediate return (i.e. usually a hookup). 

2. He Spends Time With You

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High-value men tend to be careful about how they spend their time. 

So if he spends a little bit more time with you than is required to meet the minimum requirements for dating—that’s a pretty good sign that he sees it as a smart investment in his future. 


Because when he looks at the future, he probably imagines that you’d be a great addition to it. 

If he didn’t—he just wouldn’t invest the time. 

3. He Seems Motivated to Make Plans With You

High-quality men will take the lead in making plans with the women they’re truly interested in. 

If he takes the initiative to plan dates and actually invests effort into making those dates special, fun, and memorable—that’s a pretty good sign that you’re more than just an off-handed ‘fling’ to him. 

4. He Puts Effort Into Dates and Time Spent Together

Effort speaks volumes

When the two of you go on dates together, does he seem interested in giving you a bit more of his time and effort than would probably be required?

Instead of going for the hookup and being goal-oriented about your time spent together, does he seem interested in spending a bit more time getting to know you, doing fun things together, and engaging in fun activities with you?

Is he thoughtful about the dates and activities he plans with you?

If so, it’s probably not by accident. He’s probably vibing with you and just enjoying your company—which is a really good sign. 

5. He Brings You Further Into His Inner Circle

High-value men will tend to keep their casual dates on the periphery of their life. They won’t bring these women into the more intimate levels of their social circles. 

He’ll refrain from introducing you to coworkers, friends, family members, work colleagues, business partners, and/or the rest of his inner circle because he knows that you probably won’t be around for long. 

So if he starts introducing you to people he’s known for longer than he’s known you, odds are good that he sees you as someone he’s likely to keep around. 

6. He Introduces You to His Friends and Family

When a man starts introducing you to his friends and family, that’s a pretty sure sign that he sees you as someone who he’s likely to keep in his frame and circle long-term. 

High-value men are protective of their personal and familial relationships—and they won’t want to waste time or energy bringing women into them if they don’t see any long-term potential. 

If you’re having struggles in your relationship and want someone independent to talk to, I recommend you check out Relationship Hero. I did an online session with them to talk through my concerns about moving in with my girlfriend and found it to be a big help.

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7. He Promptly Responds to Messages

When you text him, does he text back reasonably fast?

I’ll be honest with you. 

Back when I was a single man, sometimes I’d check my phone and have messages from 5 or 6 different women waiting for a reply. 

I was usually too busy to respond to all of these at once—so the woman I really liked as my first choice was usually the only one I always prioritized responding to in a timely fashion. 

8. He Tells You About His Life

When a man tells you his thoughts

If a high-value man truly desires you and wants to keep you around, he’ll start to open up to you about his life. 

This may not happen on the first date—but it will happen. 

And when it does, you should see it as a good sign. 

He wouldn’t tell you about his business, his day, the stuff that stresses him out, his mom, his sisters, or his best friends if he didn’t see you as a potential long-term partner option. 

9. He Confides in You

Does the man you’re dating keep you on the outside of his personal thoughts and feelings? 

Or does he actually confide in you about the stuff that’s on his mind? 

Now, don’t get it twisted. I’m not saying that he should use you as a therapist. But a high-value man understands that having a high-quality woman to confide in can be a tremendous asset and compliment to a high-performance masculine lifestyle. 

And if he confides in you about his feelings, emotions, stresses, troubles, challenges, etc. odds are good that there’s some real desire behind the sentiment. 

10. He Puts His Phone Away When He’s With You

I’ve heard a lot of stories from women about how men who go on dates with them will often keep checking their phones (or even swiping on dating apps) despite being on a date. 

This is a pretty big red flag

If you don’t even mean enough to him to cause him to want to put his phone away—that’s a pretty good indication that you’re either not dealing with a high-value man, or that you’re not dealing with a man who actually takes you seriously. 

11. He Prioritizes You

Does the man in your life tend to put you first (at least to a reasonable degree)?

Does he seem to be willing to set aside at least a certain number of other things in order to make sure that he spends time with you, and that the time the two of you spend together is high in quality?

Men who aren’t interested in you in the long term won’t set important things aside for you. 

If you feel like he pretty much prioritizes everything else above you, that’s not a very good sign. It probably means that he sees you as little more than a fun distraction when there’s nothing else to do. 

12. He’s Initiating ‘Escalation’ Within the Relationship

Does the man you’re dating seem to be interested in proactively increasing the intimacy and domestic overlap of the relationship?

Do you find that he tends to bring you a bit further into his life as time passes—or are you still occupying his life from the perspective of an outsider?

If a man truly loves a woman, he’ll seek to incorporate her more into his life as the depth of the relationship increases, and as his trust and fondness for her grow. 

13. He’s Talking To You About the Future

Does he often talk to you about the future?

When I started dating the woman who’s now my girlfriend, we pretty quickly started discussing a possible future together, and what that could look like. 

This wasn’t something I ever brought up with other women. 


Because I didn’t want to lead them on—and also because I just didn’t really have an interest in them on that level. 

14. He Seems Genuinely Concerned for Your Wellbeing

If I’m dating a woman who I actually care about and am invested in, I’ll have a very real and legitimate concern for her well-being. 

But if I don’t see any sort of future with her, my attitude will be more like this:

“Hey, she’s an adult. If she can’t solve her own problems, I don’t need to be bailing her out of them.” 

Of course, if you’re just irresponsible and make bad decisions that lead you into bad circumstances in life, high-value men won’t want to date you anyway. 

But when I’m dating a woman I’m serious about, I’ll have an innate, emotional desire to want to do nice things to help her move her life forward in positive ways. 

This is a very organic thing—and honestly, it’s a fantastic indication of how a man truly feels about you. 

15. He Takes Some Measure of Responsibility for Your Life (And Increases It Over Time)

I was once dating a woman who started having pretty serious car trouble. 

Honestly, part of the problem was that she was just irresponsible—and I ended up ‘losing her number’ because it got to the point where it was inconvenient to continue seeing her. 

By contrast, I once dated a woman I loved very much, who ended up getting a flat tire—and I took it upon myself to show up and change it for her. 

This was something that I wanted to do because I legitimately loved her—and because taking responsibility for helping her to make her life better brought me a certain measure of satisfaction and happiness as a man.

Men actually do have protector and provider instincts—but only for the women they truly desire and care for. 

I would only ever feel this way about a woman I actually really loved and desired. 

16. He Seems Motivated to Lead You in Joining Him on a Self-Improvement Journey

When a high-value man dates a woman, he’ll either consider her a ‘serious option,’ or ‘just a fun fling.’ 

Here’s the thing.

High-value men are generally all about masculine self-improvement

So if he tries to pull you into a self-improvement routine with him (i.e. invites you to go to the gym, to join him in a certain diet, to read a self-help book along with him, etc.) this is probably a sign that he sees you as a potentially serious option, and that he’s testing the ‘power couple self-improvement’ waters with you. 

17. He’s Also Willing to Invest in Your Friends and Family

A wise man understands that a relationship is never as simple as just a woman and himself. 

He knows that a real, longstanding, committed, loving relationship will also incorporate friends, family, and both of their inner circles as well. 

As a woman, you’ll want to watch for signs that he’s interested in testing the waters and investing in these people. 

A man who avoids meeting the family, and/or who only seems interested in interacting with friends when it’s convenient for him to do so (as opposed to it being a concerted effort to learn about your loved ones and test the waters with them) is probably avoiding it because he’s just not that interested in delving any deeper into your life. 

By contrast—a wise man who’s actually interested in a future with you will welcome the opportunity for these things when the proper time comes because he’ll understand that these people will actually come with you into the relationship (to a certain extent, anyway).

Thus, he’ll want to vet them right along with you. And if he’s made a decision to love you, he’ll understand that it’s in his best interest to do what he can to make life better for your friends and family as well. 

18. He Has a Healthy Sexual Desire for You

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If a man goes on several dates with you without ever making a move—it may be an indication that he’s just lonely and/or bored, and that he’s either not in a healthy place sexually in his own life, or he’s not sexually interested in you. 

Here’s the thing. 

High-value men will make sure that their sexual life is healthy and vibrant. And they’ll extend this to the woman they admire and love as well. 

Case in point—if he’s not ‘rearing to go’ like a bucking bronco on a regular basis with you, he probably either doesn’t like you all that much, or there’s some other factor at play. 

In either case, there’s probably cause for at least a pause, if not legitimate concern. 

19. He Says ‘Yes’ When You Ask Him To Enter A Committed, Monogamous Relationship With You

On the sexual marketplace, men are tasked with the responsibility of pursuing dates and sex—and women are tasked with the responsibility of pursuing relationships and commitment. 

So when you start to feel like it’s time to have ‘the talk’ with him, you’ll want to take the lead in this as a woman—and you’ll want to sit him down and ask for a formal committed monogamous relationship agreement. 

If he says ‘yes’ to this, awesome. Now you know that he’s actually into you and that the two of you are on the same page on monogamy. 

If he says anything else—well, that’s where you may need to face the fact that he just may not be quite as invested as you in the relationship (or at least for a monogamous one).  

You can either keep seeing him and dial back your investment, or walk away and find a man who’s more in alignment with your timeline or relationship desires. 

In either case, this is the ultimate test of a man’s desire and love. 

If he truly loves you (and he’s monogamy-minded—not all people are), he’ll want to give you the peace and security within the relationship that you need as a woman by entering a committed monogamous relationship with you.

And he’ll also walk alongside you as the two of you leave the dating marketplace and embark on the journey of building a tribe and partnered life together. 

Watch His Actions, Not His Words

At the end of the day, it’s fairly simple to see if a man truly loves you. 

Always watch his behavior. 

Words are cheap. But actions are real. 

Actions require time, investment, energy, and action–and they’re much more difficult to fake. 

So always watch his actions, and try to decode which messages they’re broadcasting. 

If they don’t line up with the story he’s telling you with his words, you may be dealing with a man who doesn’t think of you as a first-choice option. 

And honestly, there’s very little long-term good that can come from that type of situation for you as a woman. 

Go with grace, and never give up your power. 

Our Top Pick: Online Relationship Coaching
Relationship Hero
(Get $50 off your first session by following our link)

Myself and quite a few men in our community have had great results getting their relationships back on track quickly by using this highly regarded online relationship coaching service. Sometimes a little unbiased advice from a professional goes a long way.

Take Free Quiz Read Our Review


How do you test a guy to see if he loves you?

To see if a man really loves you, watch his behavior. 

Ask him to spend time on you or invest in you, and watch how he behaves in response. 

If he truly loves you, he’ll love the fact that you’re asking for more of his energy and attention—and he’ll respond to it with positivity and affection. 

If this seems to drive him away, then you may be looking at a man who sees you as more of a short-term fling, and less like an actual love interest. 

How do men act when they are in love?

When high-value men are in love, they’ll prioritize the person they love. They’ll take action to demonstrate their love, and they’ll make sure that they take ownership over the course of the relationship—to move it in a positive direction. 

But here’s the kicker. 

Men who just love how it feels to be with you (i.e. love the sex and the attention) will only be motivated to do the least amount that it takes to keep you coming back.

How do you know when a man doesn’t love you?

If a man isn’t actively investing in you and/or prioritizing you in his life, he doesn’t love you. 

Imagine how quickly you would take action to invest in the man you actually loved. Then, compare that picture to the picture of how he’s currently investing in you. 

If those pictures don’t add up, then odds are good that what your gut is telling you is true. Odds are good that he doesn’t actually love you, but that he just sees you as being someone fun and/or pleasurable to pass the time with when it’s convenient for him.