Back in 2017 my 10 year marriage with my ex wife and mother of my children came to an end.
The next two years would prove to be some of the hardest years I’ve ever gone through.
To say that I was ‘ready’ to go through a divorce would definitely not be accurate.
Not only was I not ready, but I had no idea how ill prepared I was in every single aspect of my life. And even though I’d heard people talk about divorce and spent a considerable amount of time reading about it, nothing could have prepared me for some of the things I experienced along the way.
I can’t begin to sufficiently underscore the importance of making a wise choice in selecting a high-value woman to marry and learning how to conduct yourself properly as a man in the context of a long term relationship.
The quality of your life will be determined to a massive extent by the quality of the person you select as your partner.
With that being said, it’s also true that the road to hell is often paved with the best intentions—and even if you try to get it right and do a fairly good job, you may still end up going through a divorce at some point in your life.
There are a lot of things you’ll need to know in order to navigate this situation successfully.
You’ll need to learn about family law, the legal process of divorce, how to navigate the custody of your children (if you have any), asset division, and more.
But this article isn’t going to necessarily cover all of those ‘typical’ things.
Instead, I’m going to share 9 divorce truths that most men don’t know before they go through the process.
I hope this article inspires you to do some soul searching so that you can prevent this highly unpleasant experience from happening to you.
And if you’re currently going through it or have gone through it in the past, I hope that reading these things will help you to realize that you’re not necessarily all alone, that you’re not the only person who’s ever gone through it, and that the things you’re thinking and feeling are very valid and real.
It’s One of the Most Painful Things You Can Ever Experience
Going through a divorce is going to cause you a significant amount of emotional pain.
It’s such an emotionally destructive experience that it’s almost difficult to explain this with normal words to people who’ve never been through it.
Unless you’ve been through things that could objectively be seen as more difficult, painful, or worse than divorce, it’s highly likely to end up being a source of some of the lowest low points you’ll ever experience in your life.
It’ll Completely Change Your Life
Your life is going to completely change in the wake of a divorce.
Almost nothing will remain the same.
You’ll probably change your address, your friends, your lifestyle, and your habits.
Your income will probably change, your relationship with your family will probably change, and your relationship with your children will change.
All of a sudden, everything that used to feel secure and safe about your life will be tipped upside down, and your concept of ‘normalcy’ will be completely turned on its head.
Don’t be surprised if every single aspect of your life changes in the wake of a divorce.
Almost Nobody Will Empathize with You
It was shocking to me how little my friends and family empathized with what I was going through.
To a point, this made me angry because it made me feel like the people in my life who were supposed to support and encourage me through this time basically acted like it was a taboo thing to talk about.
It felt like they never really fully acknowledged it.
With that being said, I’ve realized now that the majority of my friends and family had no idea how to relate to me because none of them had ever gone through anything like it before.
For them, the topic was awkward and difficult to talk about.
I’m sure it wasn’t fun for them to hear how down, sad, and angry I was.
I’m sure they were just trying to be diplomatic—and they were doubtlessly trying to tread delicately in a situation where they probably didn’t want to offend or upset either party.
I also know that they were trying to be there for me.
But their attempts were, indeed, woefully inadequate.
And honestly, this made it so much worse.
The fact of the matter is that when you average out how terrible the experience was for me, and then you calculate the relatively small amount of support, help, or encouragement I received from friends and family, and then you crunch the numbers—it’s actually quite shocking how little support, empathy, or encouragement I received.
There’s also no question about the fact that this experience is definitely more specifically male-centric.
Women receive far more support, encouragement, and help in an emotional sense from friends and family during divorce than men do. As a man, you’re most likely going to be (and feel) completely emotionally alone.
Divorce Is Highly Likely to Change All of Your Relationships
Speaking of feeling alone while going through divorce:
All of that lack of support, encouragement, and effort shown by your friends and family will likely have a dramatic impact on how you view them moving forward.
After going through my divorce, I definitely viewed the vast majority of my friends and family differently.
These people, who claimed to be my loved ones, had basically turned their backs on me while I was going through the hardest period of my life—all because it was ‘difficult’ for them to talk about and awkward for them because they didn’t want to get in the middle of it.
It made me trust everyone less and realize how quickly people will walk away from you the minute things get uncomfortable.
And trust me, there are very few situations that are as uncomfortable to deal with as divorce.
If You Haven’t Set Your Life up Properly, It Can Financially Ruin and Destroy You
Going through a divorce made it crystal clear to me that it’s crucial for a man to take charge of his financial destiny and work towards earning more than just an average income.
Without a solid income and the means to cover the hefty expenses that arise during a divorce, you’re setting yourself up for severe financial hardship.
It’s also essential for every man to have a strategy in place for securing legal representation (like setting aside funds for a lawyer) to ensure you’re prepared for any legal challenges.
Men who find themselves unable to afford legal help in divorce proceedings often face unfavorable outcomes, which can lead to long-term financial strain.
You’re Going to Need to Become a Stronger, More Stoic Man
One of the upsides to divorce (which is kind of a weird thing to say) is that it made me a much tougher, stronger, more stoic man.
I went into the experience as a clueless boy without much in the way of spine, courage, or grit.
But the man who emerged from that experience was hardened, wiser, more stoic, more capable, more competent, and more formidable.
If you can find a way to become a better man while you’re going through the process, you can also find some peace and solace in the fact that, if nothing else, divorce is a lot like a training ground for your masculine emotional prowess.
The nitty gritty of this process will suck.
But at least the self development will leave you with something long-lasting.
I often say that had I not gone through my divorce, I wouldn’t be half the man I am today. And in a strange way, I’m thankful for it.
At times, I’ve even gone as far as to say that divorce was the hardest, yet best thing that ever happened to me in my own personal development journey.
You’re Going to Need to Take Stock of How You Failed, and Learn from It
There’s no such thing as a divorce that’s all the woman’s fault.
To claim this would be complete denial about the nature of men and women.
Regardless of how things played out, it’s doubtless that you played some role, even if small, in the demise of the relationship.
Therefore, it’s crucial that as a man, you do an audit of yourself and learn what you did wrong so that you can avoid repeating those mistakes in the future.
After divorce, you’re going to get a chance to start fresh. You don’t want to make the same mistakes in your next marriage that you made in your first one.
It’ll Break Your Heart to Not Live with Your Children
One of the most difficult things about divorce for me was the fact that it changed my relationship with my kids.
I went from being a father who lived with his kids full-time in a normal household to being a father who only saw his kids on the weekends and periodically throughout the week.
My home was no longer their home; they visited me and went back home to their mom.
This separation absolutely crushed me.
It took me a lot of years to get over the anger I felt toward my ex-wife for choosing a path that resulted in me not getting to live with my kids anymore.
With that being said, it’s also true that this experience taught me not to take my children for granted.
And it honestly made me a better father and parent than I ever was before.
I became more attentive, I started prioritizing time with my kids much higher, I started paying much closer attention to them than I had in the past, and I just in general took my time with them much more seriously because there was so little of it.
While these were very painful things to go through, they did help me to learn and grow. And I became a better person as a result.
It’ll Take Time, but You’ll Heal, So Don’t Give Up
Divorce is going to crush you in every way imaginable.
It’s going to crush your finances, your feelings, your masculinity, your plans, your life infrastructure, your support systems, your relationships with friends and family, and your soul.
It’s going to hurt.
There’s no way to escape that.
You can try to navigate it with grace, patience, strength, and fortitude.
But you’re still going to hurt.
And when I say hurt, it’s difficult for me to underscore with words the magnitude of what that word will mean to the men who end up going through it.
To say that it’s going to hurt feels like a drastic understatement that doesn’t even do the concept justice.
With that being said, as the years go by, as you work on yourself, and as you start building a life after divorce, things will get better.
You’ll heal, and slowly but surely, the pain will begin to go away.
Divorce is one of the most difficult things that a man can go through.
But it also won’t last forever.
Case in point, divorce will change your life—but if you keep trying, keep working on yourself, and you don’t give up, there is life after it.
You can love again, you can find happiness again, you can build your life back up, you can put the broken pieces back together, and you can start over.
And eventually, there will come a time when you may not even directly hurt over it anymore.
It’ll take time, patience, and perseverance, but it’s 100% possible.
So don’t give up.
Go with grace, and never give up your power.
