When I was 11 years old, I went with my mom and sister to my sister’s friend’s house for lunch one Saturday afternoon.
My sister was two years younger, and her friend was her exact same age.
However, her friend also had an older sister—an adorably cute blonde who was 2 years my senior.
I remember what she looked like on that particular afternoon with crystal clarity.
She was wearing some seriously low-cut hip hugger jeans and a yellow graphic t-shirt with orange lettering.
She was also sporting a couple of rings on her fingers, an ankle bracelet, and pink socks.
She just had a really cool vibe.
Of course, being 11 years old, I had absolutely zero experience with women.
And despite the fact that I was quite smitten with this particular girl, I found myself at a complete loss for what to say when she unexpectedly invited me to attend a church dance with her later in the week.
This invitation came as a surprise to me.
I panicked for a moment.
I think my soul might have even left my body as I struggled to decide how to respond.
“Don’t sound stupid.” I told myself. “You need to play it cool.”
I sat there for what felt like a long time before finally squeaking out a reply.
And yes—it was bad.
“I don’t know. I guess it depends on what they’ll be doing at the dance.”
To this day, I don’t know why I said that.
I don’t feel like I was even conscious in that moment.
This was how shy and awkward I was as an 11 year old boy.
So trust me when I say that I know a thing or two about trying to talk to women as a shy, quiet guy.
Of course, I’ve learned a lot since that day.
In fact, I’ve learned enough that I now coach men who deal with this exact same problem.
So without further ado, let’s dive into what you need to know to date successfully as a quiet, shy guy.
Do Girls Like Shy Guys?
This is a complicated question.
At the baseline, yes—there are many beautiful women in the world who date very shy and quiet guys every single day.
However, we have to look a little bit deeper at the nature of the question to understand the truth about why this happens.
Being shy does come with some of its own advantages.
However, it’s also not without its drawbacks.
Some men really struggle with dating due to the fact that they’re shy.
With that being said, it’s also completely possible for shy guys to leverage their quiet tendencies as benefits.
8 Benefits of Being a Shy Guy
1. Quiet Confidence
Being a quiet background figure at social functions and events doesn’t always have to work against you.
Sometimes, the quiet guys exude an air of ‘quiet confidence’ due to the fact that they don’t have much to say.
Instead of standing on the front lines of the social action bragging about their accomplishments and vying for attention—they sit back and quietly observe everyone else in the room.
And this can play to their advantage.
2. The Perception of Intelligence
There’s a Dalai Lama quote that speaks directly to this point:
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”
There’s a lot of truth to this quote as it pertains to quiet, shy men on the dating marketplace.
In social contexts, this ‘quietness’ can absolutely hint at qualities like intelligence, self awareness, and a willingness to listen to others.
And these are very attractive qualities when leveraged properly.
3. Appearing Mysterious
Sometimes, the quiet/shy types give off an air of mystery.
Of course, the guy who’s constantly bragging about himself and talking about his own life adventures and exploits will likely get a lot of attention from the ladies.
However, it’s also true that the more he talks, the less ‘mystery’ there is about him.
Shy guys on the other hand—in speaking less and listening more—can really play to this ‘mysterious’ advantage.
Women love mystery.
In fact, sometimes it’s the unknown about a man that gets women intrigued.
4. Being ‘The Observer’
Women love to be evaluated and found worthy by high value men.
Yes, men are nature’s competitors. But don’t get it twisted. Women also compete fiercely with one another for the attention of highly attractive men as well.
(If you want to learn more about female sexual competition, pick up a copy of Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivation from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between), by Cindy Meston and David Buss.)
And a man who does a lot of watching and listening without providing much in the way of input can sometimes be seen as the guy who’s watching and waiting to be impressed by someone.
Sometimes, if this is leveraged correctly, women can see it as a challenge. And this can absolutely lead to a heightened sense of intrigue and interest.
5. Less Likely to Put Your Foot in Your Mouth
This is a definite advantage the quiet guys have over more outgoing/talkative guys.
Simply put, the more a guy talks, the more likely he is to say something that’ll land him in hot water with the women in his social circles.
As men, we certainly have the capacity to make ourselves look like bumbling buffoons. (I think I hold the world record in this specific sport.)
However, if you do less talking, you’re simply going to put yourself at risk for doing this significantly less often.
This isn’t to say that a cost-benefit analysis won’t show that you’ll produce better results with fewer downsides while acting loud and boisterous.
But the fact remains that the less you speak, the less likely you are to say the wrong thing.
And hey—for shy guys, this is a strength and an advantage.
6. Not Trying as Hard
The loud, boisterous frat boy who’s constantly showing off at the front of the room can sometimes come off as trying too hard.
This is unattractive to women.
By contrast, the quiet, contemplative shy guy who’s minding his own business while sitting at the back of the room can sometimes come off like he’s not really trying at all.
And this, in itself, can actually be quite attractive if it’s deployed correctly.
Tip: The key is to avoid appearing withdrawn and isolated.
You want to appear engaged while also acting with a sort of ‘quiet aloofness’ that indicates you’re enjoying yourself without the need or desire to impress anyone.
7. Doing Your Own Thing
Contrary to popular belief, women don’t want to be the focus of a man’s mission.
They want to select the man who has a lofty, adventurous vision of the world—and they want to join him in his quest for adventure.
Some men really make the mistake of chasing women and putting them on a pedestal.
But this will put a knife right through the heart of any potential attraction.
It makes them come off as needy and clingy.
8. The Absence of Arrogance
Women love confidence in a man.
There’s no two ways about it.
With that being said, extremely confident men sometimes go too far—and they can end up tipping the scales over into arrogance.
A certain limited amount of ‘deserved’ arrogance is attractive to women.
However, there are points where it can become too much.
Women love competent men who know they’re competent.
But they don’t love empty blowhards who just blow hot air without being able to back it up.
Men who are ‘all talk and no walk’ are quickly dismissed by high value women.
Ergo, one of the natural advantages of being shy and quiet is that you’re very naturally predisposed to being humble as opposed to arrogant.
4 Downsides of Being a Shy Guy
1. Lacking Confidence Hurts Your Attraction
Women love confidence.
In many ways, confidence is a marker for competence, which is a trait highly valued by women on the dating marketplace.
And as a shy, quiet guy, your biggest challenge is going to be projecting confidence while still remaining true to your authentic self.
If you can’t find a way to generate enough confidence to appear secure in yourself, you’re going to have a more difficult time gaining the attention of women in your circles.
2. Not Being Outgoing Puts You at a ‘Numbers’ Disadvantage
Extroverted, bold, and outgoing men may not always strike gold when they approach women.
However, the difference between talking to 1 woman per weekend and talking to 100 women has very significant and far reaching implications.
To a point, dating is a numbers game—especially at the beginning stages of the process, when you’re bringing people into your funnel.
The truth of the matter is that men who are outgoing enough to approach 100 women (outgoing men) as opposed to just 1 or 2 (shy men) are simply going to end up with better results.
Because even if their approaches are ill-planned, tacky, and/or somewhat badly orchestrated, at least they’re still approaching.
Meeting new partners can be a big challenge for shy guys.
If you want to bring women into your circle, you must be confident enough to approach them.
And obviously, summoning up the courage to approach 1 or 2 is going to be a lot easier than making a move on every single attractive woman at the club.
Being shy can really make this difficult and work against your overall dating success from a pure numbers perspective.
3. Shy Men Struggle with Social Status Signals
You’ve probably heard it said that men are the competitors and women are the selectors.
This is very true.
However, women use a wide variety of tools to vet men and gauge their social value.
Social status is a huge indicator of competency and value in the dating marketplace, because it demonstrates a man’s power to increase the survivability of his partner and family within the context of the tribe.
With that being said, shy guys struggle in this department because they’re likely to be less socially connected than outgoing and/or more ‘sociable’ people.
Well connected men are simply going to be viewed as having higher social status by women—and therefore, they’re more likely to be seen as being more attractive.
Shy guys need to find a way to overcome this disadvantage if they really want to gain an edge on the dating marketplace.
If you need help with this, consider reading this guide: The Alpha Male Explained: 9 True Signs You’re an Alpha.
4. Shy Men Sometimes Don’t Seem as Competent
Attraction really all boils down to a powerful survival instinct.
Especially for women.
And one of the most important factors that makes a man attractive to women is his level of competence.
In other words: how good he is at the skills and functions that actually matter in life.
This is why a woman is more likely to choose a tall, athletic, healthy, educated, confident man with high social status over the shy, introverted, weak, unhealthy, isolated introvert for a partner.
Obviously, the big drawback to being too shy or too quiet is that you’ll suffer in several of the sexual value metrics that matter the most to women on the dating marketplace.
As a shy guy, it’s in your best interest to work to overcome these limitations and properly leverage your strengths if you really want to have the best success possible.
How Can a Shy Guy Get a Girlfriend?
Let’s walk through a plan that you can deploy today to help you get a girlfriend—even if you’re a shy, quiet, introverted man.
First, read through this guide to make sure that you’ve gotten rid of all your potential obvious red-flag issues: Never Had a Girlfriend? 15 Honest Reasons Why You’re Still Single.
Once you’ve worked through those, it’ll be time to follow these steps.
1. Understand Where Your Shyness Comes From
For some men, shyness is simply a part of their personality.
But for other men, it may just be a manifestation of different insecurities and/or a general lack of confidence.
These are actually two distinctly different things.
And it’s in your best interest to identify which one it is.
If shyness is just a manifestation of your insecurities, you can actually work to overcome it.
And I would suggest that you do so.
I’ve helped many coaching clients overcome their fear of approaching women by challenging them to set ‘approach quotas’ on a daily basis.
One of my students, for example, set a quota that he had to approach at least 1 woman per day for 10 days straight.
At first, this was difficult for him. But he ended up being incredibly successful, despite starting out being painfully shy.
He ended up getting a few numbers, and even went on a few dates as a result.
If you need some help getting started on the ‘dating journey,’ grab a couple of these amazing dating books to get started.
You can also read this guide: How to Get a Girlfriend in 16 Steps: The Only Guide You’ll Need.
2. Level up Your Ability to Be Outgoing
You may need to challenge yourself to become more outgoing and to overcome your fear of interacting with people if you want to enjoy as many of the ‘extroverted’ advantages as possible.
For example, building up a network, building your tribe, spending time with other high value people, and just in-general being willing to engage and to have friendly interactions with new people are advantageous if you really want to have a thriving dating life.
With that being said, if being shy is simply an inborn trait of your core personality type, that may be a different story.
3. Play to Your Strengths
If shyness is just an aspect of your personality that’s as authentic for you as your hair color or your height—then instead of forcing yourself to face your fear of being outgoing, you may be better suited to play to your strengths as a shy guy.
Keep in mind that you’re going to face a few natural disadvantages if you choose to take this route.
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t be successful.
I often recommend that inherently shy guys try joining large thriving social groups so that they can get to know people in a more comfortable context as opposed to cold approaching women or online dating.
We’ve actually published an entire guide on this topic.
You can find it here: Where to Meet Women and How to Approach in Public the Right Way.
4. You Only Need to Succeed Once
Here’s the great news about dating.
Regardless of whether you’re shy or not, you only need to succeed once.
If you meet a few beautiful women who like you, go on a few dates, then pick your favorite one and get into a committed relationship—guess what?
Dating is actually a very forgiving numbers game in the long run.
The great news is that the world is full of other people who want the same thing as you—a high quality, intimate relationship with someone they love and find attractive.
This means that the world is full of potential matches.
All you need to do is continue the process until you find the right one.
Then, boom—you’ll succeed, and you’ll be ready to move on to the relationship chapter of your life.
Important Tip: Just don’t forget to keep working on yourself in the meantime.
As men, we should always be striving to become better men on a daily basis, regardless of what stage of life we’re in.
I hope this post has helped you to understand how to date as a shy, quiet guy.
The bad news is that you have a few challenges to overcome.
But the good news is that if you leverage it right and keep trying, you’re bound to succeed.
One last bit of advice:
Make sure that you’re moving your life forward as a man, and not getting distracted by the ‘mission’ of getting a girlfriend.
Men are most attractive when they’re minding their business, getting their money, and pursuing their purpose in life.
Make sure to subscribe to our Instagram for more tips and advice to help you in your journey.
Go with grace, and never give up your power.
Is being shy unattractive?
Being shy, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily an unattractive quality.
It can, however, place you at a few disadvantages in the context of the dating marketplace.
Dating as a shy guy is made easier when you utilize your social energy and resources to join thriving social groups where you can organically connect with other people without needing to face the approach anxiety that can come from cold approaching women (or the crazy rates of rejection that men usually see on dating apps).
I call this tribal dating, and it’s probably the best way for shy guys to actually get to know women and date in a context that isn’t quite as high pressure as the wild jungle of the open marketplace
Why do girls like shy guys?
At the end of the day, women are actually relatively simple creatures (beneath their many ‘pretty’ and confusing layers of complexity, of course).
They want an attractive partner who’ll nurture them, lead the relationship, contribute to their safety and security, give them awesome sex, treat them well, and just overall make their life better.
There are many shy guys in the world who could easily crush this job description.
This is why beautiful women all over the world, every day, sometimes choose shy guys as partners.
Being shy definitely isn’t a death sentence for your dating life.
You just need to know how to leverage it properly.