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So, You Want to Get Your Girlfriend Back… But Should You?

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Joshua Sigafus

Dating, Relationships

Joshua has 15 years of writing experience within the complex territories of dating, masculinity, and relationships. His own personal life journey was kick-started by a pivotal marital breakdown of his own and led him down a path of self-discovery and masculine transformation, culminating in him developing a career as a men's dating coach. Read full bio.

Last Updated: Feb 22, 2024
13 min read
Scruffy man in his bedroom thinking about getting his girlfriend back
Key Takeaways

Seeking to ‘get your girlfriend back’ often misses the real objective, which should be self-improvement and embracing solitude to build resilience and attractiveness. This shift in focus prepares you for future relationships based on mutual respect and compatibility, rather than clinging to the past. It highlights the importance of moving forward with self-respect, recognizing that a fixation on rekindling an old flame can detract from the path to healthy, fulfilling future connections.

I once dated this amazing, incredibly beautiful woman who I fell deeply in love with. 

I loved everything about her. 

She was exciting, gorgeous, witty, and charming. 

She had an absolutely rocking body, and everything about her was intoxicating to me. 

We had an insanely passionate relationship. Whenever I was with her, my brain would swim in feel-good chemicals. 

Everything she did felt magical to me. I saw her as the absolute perfect human—and I was next-level attracted to her. 

But at that time in my life, I wasn’t living like a true, strong, powerful, masculine man

I was weak. I had no purpose. I was completely controlled by my emotions. 

And in the end, she broke up with me because of it. 

Ironically, looking back on it, had I managed to learn how to live like a masculine man, I never would have lost her. 

If you want to learn exactly what those lessons were, check out my masculinity course

But losing her destroyed me. It made me feel like everything was over. I felt like I’d never find a woman like her again. 

And even if I found love again, I’d never find someone as amazing as her to love. 

It was over—and all I wanted was to get her back. 

I’ll fast track this story and let you know the truth—I never got her back. 

But in the years since that experience, I’ve also learned a lot about the essence of that question:

How do you get your girlfriend back?

And I’ve come to realize that a lot of men (including the version of me who was thinking about this in the aftermath of that breakup) don’t understand the danger behind this sentiment. 

In this article, I’m going to explain why this is a dangerous thing to desire—and even though it may technically be possible in some cases, why it’s rarely something that any man should pursue for himself. 

The truth is that exes are often exes for a reason. 

The Problem with Wanting to Get Your Girlfriend Back

woman breaking up with man

Everywhere I look, the internet is filled with information about ‘how to get your girlfriend back.’ 

This is a buzzword phrase that a lot of men seek out, and understandably so. 

As men, we care a great deal about the women we love. 

When we start dating someone we perceive as being special, that person receives a special ‘piece’ of our soul (metaphorically speaking). And they, in essence, become a part of us. 

This is the part of romantic love that’s often referred to as ‘pair bonding.’ But there are also other elements to it as well. 

From a brain chemistry perspective, our brains ‘light up’ with feel-good chemicals when we spend time with the woman we love and are attracted to. 

Those intense feelings of bliss and euphoria you feel when she’s sitting next to you, touching you—when you can smell her skin and her perfume—when you wake up to her sleeping next to you in nothing but your t-shirt and panties—and you think to yourself ‘this woman is absolute perfection, in every single way,’ can serve as a very powerful two edged sword if the relationship finds its way to ‘unsuccessful’ waters. 

The Reality of Breakups Is That They Hurt for a Reason

When you experience a breakup with a woman you love, you’re going to experience feelings of loss. 

This is a very typical (if painful) human experience, and everyone will go through it at some point in life. 

With that being said, in the aftermath of such a breakup, our brains really only desire one thing:

They desire to fill the hole of emptiness and sadness that was just created. 

We Instinctively Want to Fix Breakups

Our natural emotional knee-jerk reaction to a breakup is to feel sadness. And so, we tend to very quickly also develop an almost insatiable longing to fix it. 

From an emotional perspective, reversing a breakup and getting back into the relationship would, in theory, serve as the perfect antidote. 

It would be the perfect ‘fix,’ right?

Well, here’s the issue. 

That’s what our emotions say. 

But it’s almost never true. 

Our emotions are extremely powerful—and the issue is that we often allow them to override our rationality. 

And this is almost never good for us. 

There’s Always a Reason for the Breakup

let her walk away

The truth is that breakups can happen for a wide variety of different reasons, such as:

  • Communication breakdowns
  • Trust issues
  • Incompatibility
  • Lack of intimacy
  • Financial stress
  • Constant conflict
  • Growth in different directions
  • Loss of individual identity
  • Unmet expectations
  • Emotional or physical abuse
  • Addiction issues
  • Life stressors
  • Lack of effort and commitment
  • Infidelity
  • Compatibility issues in physical intimacy

In my case, the relationship ended because even though I loved her, I wasn’t really ready to ‘commit to her’ and settle-down. 

There was still a part of me that wanted to live the ‘free single man’ lifestyle. 

I was, in many ways, one foot in and one foot out.

And she, being ready for the next phase, eventually came to believe that I didn’t love her enough—and that, in her mind, was the problem. 

The part that hurts is that she was right. 

In truth, I did want to settle down with her. It may even be fair to say that I should have settled down with her. 

The reason for why I didn’t was because I wasn’t ready. 

That doesn’t make me a bad person. But it means that we were in different places in life—and thus, our union was strained as a result. And that strain wasn’t resolved fast enough to fix the relationship. 

Behind every breakup, there’s always a list of reasons for why it happened. And even though it sucks, those reasons are valid. And it’s in your best interest to respect them. 

Why Breaking Up with Your Girlfriend Should Keep You from Pursuing Her Again Later

that breakup happened for a reason

Breakups never happen in a vacuum. There are always reasons for them. 

If there weren’t, they wouldn’t happen. 

Happy couples who are in love don’t just randomly decide to break up with each other. 

People only break up when there’s some kind of reason to break up. 

Here are some hard truths I needed to learn about this in my own life:

  • Any reason that leads to a breakup was enough to call it a valid reason
  • Thus, the relationship was never going to work in the long run anyway
  • You also become different people as a result of the breakup, and the odds that you’re going to ‘grow more compatible’ is highly unlikely (though not totally impossible)
  • Relationships (and consequently, breakups) always contain a certain amount of baggage—and this baggage only increases the pain and volatility in the aftermath of a breakup because it all gets brought out of the closet and into the open (and this baggage often makes the situation so messy that, from a mathematical probabilities standpoint, the odds of recapturing any of that ‘former magic’ are so outlandish that you should probably rule out success anyway)

I’m not saying this to be doom and gloom. 

I’m saying this because this has proven to be the truth in not only my experience, but also in the experiences of many dozens (even hundreds) of men I’ve known, watched, studied, coached, and helped throughout my life and career. 

‘Getting Back Together with Your Girlfriend’ Products Are Usually a Scam

Couple walking together on a date at night time

Here’s the ‘dirty’ part of this entire conversation. 

And as a dating coach who has developed courses and books for men, I can say this with a definite degree of authority. 

A lot of men are desperate to get back together with their exes (even though doing so is hardly ever a good idea). 

But since so many of these men are hurt, in pain, and desperate, they’ll spend almost any amount of money to try to make it happen. 

And many digital marketers, dating coaches, etc. try to capitalize on these ‘strong emotions’ by creating products (courses, programs, books, etc.) designed to give men the hope of getting their ex back. 

Now, I’m not trying to say that these products never work or that the advice never has any merit. 

But the cold truth of the matter is that, from a mathematical standpoint, your chances of getting your girlfriend back, recapturing the former magic, overcoming the baggage, and not succumbing to the exact same problems to break up again (even if you did manage to succeed) aren’t very good. 

Wanting to Get back Together with Your Ex Goes against Naturally Attractive Masculine Ideals

women are attracted to great men

Plus, there’s a very real ‘self respect’ issue to deal with here. 

If she ended things with you and rejected you, why would you (or why should you) even want her back?

If she really loved you, wouldn’t it have been better for her to stay and help you sort through the problems?

The truth is that whatever the problems were, they were a deal breaker for her. 

And they, in turn, made you a deal breaker for her. 

Thus, desiring for her to take you back is a lot like begging the bully who spit in your face to be your friend. 

If you really loved yourself, why would you ever want to be friends with a bully who spit in your face?

And on the same token—if you really respected yourself, why would you ever want to give your love, commitment, energy, and resources back to a woman who previously said “you’re not good enough for me, I’m walking out?” 

There’s a mindset issue here, and a respect issue—and the coaches who sell these products tend to ignore it because they want your money. 

And even deeper than that—the truth of the matter is that any man who would lower himself to the point of desiring an ex-girlfriend who broke his heart and walked out on him must also be a man who is a slave to his own emotions and feelings. 

And unfortunately for him, the fact that he’s a slave to his feelings hurts his masculinity and also just so happens to make him less likely to be the type of man a woman would respect anyway. 

What’s the Best Way to Get Your Girlfriend Back?

How do I tell if he loves me young couple quarrelling back to back

In light of everything discussed, the paradoxical answer to this question isn’t about a strategy to win an ex back. 

It’s about understanding a deeper, more self-respecting approach to life and relationships. 

If you’re contemplating how to get your girlfriend back, consider this: A self-respecting man would never focus on winning his ex back. 

Instead, he would concentrate on fixing the issues that led to the breakup, improving himself, and preparing for a future with someone who truly deserves him.

Heal, Learn, Improve, and Move On

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Ironically, this mindset of self-improvement and moving forward is what could make you most attractive, potentially even to your ex. 

It’s a strange truth, but often the qualities that make you a better, stronger individual are the same ones that could reignite an ex’s interest. 

With that being said, it’s also true that this shouldn’t be your motivation. 

Your primary goal must be personal growth and readiness for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship—one in the future, whether it’s with someone new or, in rare instances, a renewed relationship with your ex.

You Must Become a Masculine, Self Respecting Man

View this post on Instagram

It’s essential to recognize that the type of man who can firmly say ‘no’ to an ex who broke his heart is, in many ways, the only type of man who would be truly appealing if a reconciliation were ever to be considered. 

This strength and self-respect would stand as a testament to the fact that you’re not a slave to past emotions or the relationship’s history. 

It would demonstrate a commitment to personal values and standards, making you inherently more attractive and worthy of respect

In the End, the Answer Is Truly Ironic

portrait handsome confident man looking

The best way to get your girlfriend back isn’t through direct efforts aimed at reconciliation. 

It’s through becoming the best version of yourself, for your own sake. 

In doing so, you become the type of person who’s ready for a relationship that’s based on mutual respect, growth, and true compatibility. 

And at the end of the day, whether this leads back to your ex or guides you to someone new is irrelevant—because you’ll be in a far better position to create a loving, stable, and fulfilling relationship for the future regardless. 

And at that point, it won’t matter—because you’ll be a better man capable of creating an even better life anyway—and that’ll likely include relationships even better than the one you’re mourning now. 

The Step by Step Process

happy and content in solitude

In summary, here’s the step by step process that I’ve developed for myself to deal with the aftermath of sad breakups: 

  1. Reflect and Acknowledge: Understand the reasons behind the breakup.
  2. Personal Growth: Focus on self-improvement and addressing personal issues that contributed to the relationship’s end.
  3. Develop Independence: Cultivate a life that’s fulfilling and complete without reliance on a romantic partner.
  4. Build Confidence: Work on self-esteem and confidence, which are inherently attractive qualities.
  5. Expand Interests: Engage in new activities and hobbies to broaden your perspective and enrich your life.
  6. Socialize and Network: Expand your social circle and connect with new people.
  7. Learn from Past Mistakes: Analyze previous relationship patterns and learn from them.
  8. Embrace Change: Be open to change and the possibility of a different future.
  9. Respect Her Decision: Accept the breakup and respect your ex’s choice to move on.
  10. No Contact Rule: Give yourself and your ex space by avoiding contact for a while.
  11. Evaluate and Decide: After a period of growth, honestly assess if reconciling is truly what you want or if it’s based on past emotions (note that it’s extremely rare for this to be the proper masculine path).
  12. Communicate Effectively: If you still feel reconciliation is right, communicate your thoughts and changes clearly and respectfully.
  13. Accept the Outcome: Be prepared for any outcome, whether it’s reconciliation or final closure.


I’ll leave you with one final piece of advice: 

Learn to be comfortable and at peace in solitude. 

Solitude isn’t about loneliness; it’s about finding strength and clarity in your own company. In solitude, you discover the resilience and independence that make you a more complete individual, and ironically, a more attractive partner. 

Whether you reunite with your ex or find a new love, the ability to be at peace with yourself is a crucial foundation for any healthy relationship.

Embrace this time as an opportunity for growth, not just as a stepping stone to get back with your ex. By doing so, you’re setting yourself up for a future that’s based on strength, self-respect, and genuine happiness, regardless of your relationship status.

Go with grace, and never give up your power.