/  Dating

Why Is She Ghosting Me? What to Do When a Girl Ghosts You

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Joshua Sigafus

Dating, Relationships

Joshua has 15 years of writing experience within the complex territories of dating, masculinity, and relationships. His own personal life journey was kick-started by a pivotal marital breakdown of his own and led him down a path of self-discovery and masculine transformation, culminating in him developing a career as a men's dating coach. Read full bio.

Last Updated: Oct 27, 2023
22 min read
Why did she ghost me black man with phone in hand wondering about why he has been ghosted by a girl
Key Takeaways

If you’ve been ghosted by a woman, the most likely reason is because you either failed to display adequate value as a man, or you didn’t hold her interest enough to maintain a position of positive romantic attraction on her radar. In essence, she ‘ghosted’ you to avoid having an awkward “I’m not into you” conversation.

Many years ago, I scheduled a date with a woman I matched with on an online dating app.

She seemed reasonably attractive—at least enough so that I was interested in continuing to talk to her.

I quickly moved the conversation to text, and we struck up a pretty interesting dialogue. 

At the time, I was quite inexperienced with dating. Looking back on it, I can now see how the interaction was loaded with red flags

But of course, back then, I didn’t really know any better. 

I ended up asking her out to a local burger joint, and she said yes.

We agreed on a date and time. 

About an hour before the date, I texted her to make sure that we were still on.

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m looking forward to it.”

Fast forward one hour.

I arrived at the burger joint. 

I got us a table, and waited. 

Then, fast forward 30 more minutes… 

There I sat—alone at the table. The waitress, whom I had told several times now that I was waiting for someone, kept shooting me sad glances.

I had been ghosted.

But why does this happen?

For months after the fact, this situation still mystified me. 

It wasn’t like we hadn’t had a good dialogue before setting up the date. 

What about our interactions had caused her to go ghost? 

The truth of the matter is that there are many reasons for why she probably decided not to show up that day. 

I’ve learned since then that ghosting is actually a pretty predictable phenomenon. 

I’ve also learned that it usually tends to happen for a very specific set of reasons. 

In this post, you’re going to learn everything you need to know about why ghosting happens and how to avoid it. 

Yep, this will be the last guide on how to prevent ghosting that you’ll ever need. 

Let’s dive in.

Why do Girls Ghost? 20 Likely Reasons You’re Being Ghosted

Kezia Noble Quote

I like to break ghosting down into two different categories: 

  • Ghosting that occurs before you actually meet up for a date
  • Ghosting after you’ve already met for a date

I think it’s important to categorize these two types of behaviors differently, because they generally mean different things.

If You Were Ghosted Before the First Date

JM Darhower quote

1. You Have Zero Masculine Frame

In pretty much any ghosting situation, this is going to be the number one most likely cause. In fact, this actually encapsulates many of the other reasons you’re going to read about in this list.

A lot of men struggle with holding firm, stoic, masculine frame in their lives. 

They struggle with alpha mentality, and they just in-general aren’t always sure how to act like strong, attractive men. 

Women aren’t attracted to weak men. And they definitely aren’t attracted to men who aren’t adept at holding masculine frame.

You can learn more about masculine frame and alpha mentality in this guide: The Alpha Male Explained: 9 True Signs You’re an Alpha.

2. You Came off as ‘Needy’

Women detest needy men.

Never forget that with dating, mating, and attraction, it all really comes down to this:

The woman instinctively wants a man who’ll contribute to her survival. 

A needy man who’s craving validation from the woman in his life isn’t going to broadcast powerful masculine value and increased survivability. He’s going to broadcast weakness and a lack of self-confidence. 

When a man starts acting needy through text or during a real life date, it’s a sure sign that the woman’s either going to break off the relationship before it starts—or just go ‘ghost’ altogether.

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3. You Displayed Low Value Markers

As a general rule, the most attractive men in any given hierarchy are going to be the men who succeed at leveling up all of the primary male sexual value metrics

These include things like: wealth, social status, power, strong tribal connections, an athletic body, leadership ability, and the ability to be effective and formidable.

Men who display the opposites of these masculine virtues, on the other hand, are going to broadcast low value instead of high value. 

And as such, they’re going to be at a much greater risk of being ghosted.

If you’re serious about building your masculine foundation and establishing the type of frame which results in most women chasing you, I highly recommend you check out my in-depth dating and masculinity system.

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4. You Seemed Too Eager

Some men are living in such deep sexual scarcity that they eagerly jump at any possible chance to get a woman’s attention.

But women see this as a low value marker. 


Because women aren’t interested in men who can’t get dates and succeed with women. 

Women want to date the men who are popular and successful with women, because these are the high value men with more to offer on the dating marketplace. 

If a man seems too eager to hang out with a woman, she’ll often take that as a sign that he must not have many other options. 

He may be living in sexual scarcity—or may just generally be a low value option.

5. You Acted Desperate

Men who are desperate for attention, validation, sex, love, or anything else that a woman could provide give off powerful low value markers.

Once again, this goes right back to survival. 

Women are instinctively programmed to be attracted to men who are powerful and capable of increasing their chances of survival

Desperate men are much more likely to register as a liability on her survival radar. 

For these types of men, it’s not a matter of if they’re going to get ghosted. It’s simply a matter of when.

6. You Were Boring

It’s been said that you can be many things to a woman—but boring isn’t one of them.

This is such a true statement. 

  • Women crave adventure. 
  • They want to feel alive. 
  • They’re intensely attracted to men who can create engaging emotional impact. 

On the flip side, women tend to lose interest in boring men very quickly.

If they don’t feel engaged, alive, or ‘in their feelings’ as a result of the connection they feel with you, they’re much more likely to flake or go ghost.

7. You Displayed Some Kind of ‘Red Flag’ Behavior 

Men who are rude, obnoxious, hypocritical, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, unduly arrogant, gross, or inappropriate run a very high risk of being ghosted by high value women

Women can’t afford to waste their time on men who exhibit extremely negative, dangerous, hostile, toxic, or distasteful behaviors. 

If you want a one way ticket to ‘ghost town,’ start exhibiting some obvious red flags. 

Any high value women in sight will bolt—leaving you high, dry, and alone.

8. You Didn’t Seem Genuinely Interested

At first glance, this might sound like a contradiction to the point where I talked about seeming too eager.

But don’t get it twisted. 

There are two vital components to female attraction that you need to satisfy in order for a woman to take you seriously as an option:

  1. She obviously needs to be attracted to you. 
  2. You need to display commitment signals (a lot of men overlook this). 
What’s a Commitment Signal? 
David m buss quote

A commitment signal is basically a behavior that a man broadcasts towards a woman that demonstrates his willingness to make some kind of a resource investment in her. 

See, women read commitment signals in men to confirm whether or not they’re making a good investment with their time. 

Men who don’t seem serious or who don’t seem to be attracted to her to a substantial enough degree are going to fail to broadcast sufficient commitment signals to give women the peace of mind of knowing:

“Yeah, this guy’s actually into me. He’s serious. This could actually go somewhere.”

It’s important to understand that one of the biggest dating pitfalls for women is getting led on by men who waste their time. 

Unlike men, women are on a strict biological timer. 

They can’t wait around forever to find a husband and get married. 

If they want to have a family, become a mother, and experience the positives of pair bonding and domestic life, they need to make sure that any guy they invest in is actually interested in something serious in return.

Therefore, if you don’t act like you’re actually generally interested, and/or don’t seem to be willing to invest serious time or energy into getting to know her, she’s probably going to skip past you in favor of a man who’s actually displaying some commitment signals.

This is a delicate balance. You want to give her commitment signals if you’re interested. But you DON’T want to cross the line into simp territory either.

9. She Had Better Options on the Table  

The dating marketplace is highly competitive. 

As a general rule, you can always count on a woman to choose the best option on her radar. 

This is hypergamy 101.

Sometimes, women ghost to avoid an uncomfortable “I don’t want to see you anymore because I found someone better” conversation.

Hey, can you really blame them?

If You Were Ghosted after the First Date

will smith quote

10. She Realized That You Weren’t Her Type

Sometimes, online dating profiles are misleading. 

Maybe she pictured you being a little bit taller, more tan, more muscular, less ‘dorky,’ etc. 

Let’s face it. We’ve all had situations where we’ve matched with a woman on an app, only to realize later on that her pictures didn’t accurately represent how she looked in real life. 

Sometimes this happens for women as well. 

If a woman shows up for a date and realizes right away that this guy isn’t going to be someone she could be seriously interested in, she may opt to just ghost to save herself from having to face that awkwardness. 

11. You Failed to Build Connection  

Let’s say that you match with a girl on an app, make a plan for a date, and then meet up with her.

What now?

It’s important to understand that there are five crucial steps to every successful dating exchange:

  1. Approach 
  2. Engagement
  3. Connection
  4. Escalation 
  5. Closing

All of these are pretty self explanatory, but a lot of men struggle when it comes to the connection phase. 

See, as I said before, women want to feel an emotional impact when they’re with a man. She wants: 

  • To feel like he’s really connecting with her. 
  • To feel alive. 
  • Him to engage her senses—to dig into her subconscious mind and pry out those hidden romantic feelings that she’s keeping protectively stowed away under lock and key. 

This is all accomplished during the connection phase

Simply put, if you fail to build connection with her, there’s a very good chance that you’re not going to hear from her again after the first date.

If you want to learn more about how to leverage the 5 overarching dating skills to succeed with women, check out this guide: How to Get a Girlfriend in 16 Steps: The Only Guide You’ll Need

12. You Didn’t Command Respect 

Demonstrating value over text is one thing. But demonstrating it in real life is a whole different ballgame. 

If a woman doesn’t feel a strong masculine presence emanating from you during the date, she’s far more likely to go ghost.

Why? Because she won’t respect you. And if a woman doesn’t respect you, it’s literally impossible for her to be attracted to you. 

Here’s the thing, men. 

Women crave masculine alpha-mentality men who know what they want.

And if you fail to meet that marker, there’s a very high likelihood that you’re going to get flaked on. 

Read this guide to help you learn how to demonstrate higher value in your interactions with others, including the women you date: How to Command Respect Without Being a Jerk: 12 Actionable Ways

13. You Didn’t Escalate Enough

Properly sexually escalating with a woman is actually a big challenge for some men (especially men who suffer from ‘white knight’ or ‘nice guy’ syndrome).

You want to connect with women while you’re dating them. But if all you do is emotionally connect without ever sexually escalating, that’s a perfect recipe for getting put in the friendzone

Successful seducers understand that sexual escalation must begin early on in every encounter.

This goes back to that commitment signal thing. 

When you flirt with her, tease her, touch her, and just in-general make it known with your behavior, body language, and conversation that you’re sexually interested in her (and you can do it without crossing over into creepy thirsty boy territory)—well, you’ll be much more likely to succeed.

Failing to do this, however, will generally earn you a fast one-way ticket on the ‘ghost train.’ 

A book that might help you if you’re a chronic ‘nice guy’ is No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life, by Robert A. Glover. 

14. You Escalated Too Fast or Too Aggressively 

Sometimes men escalate too quickly and aggressively

For example, there’s a big difference between walking up to your date, giving her a hug, smiling, and telling her that it’s great to meet her—and walking up to her, slapping her on the butt, and uttering some kind of crude, crass remark about her body.  

See, women do want to be sexually objectified to a certain point.

But they want it to be done tactfully, and in a respectful manner. 

This may sound confusing, but it’s so true. 

It’s crucial to sexually escalate with women at an appropriate pace—a pace that doesn’t make them feel violated, disrespected, or uncomfortable.

The key is to make her feel like it’s flowing naturally.

If you go so fast that you push against this limit, you’ll actually set off red flag danger alarms in her brain. 

She’ll perceive you as a predator instead of as a handsome, confident, attractive, masculine gentleman.

This is definitely a surefire recipe for getting ghosted—because she’ll likely be too afraid of you to reject you to your face. 

15. You Failed to Be Authentic

Women want the men they date to be interesting. 

They don’t want bland, boring, or ordinary.

Men who tap into their true authentic personality and broadcast that during the date are going to stand a much better chance of seeming interesting than men who play it safe. 

You’ve got to take some risks if you want women to notice you. 

This is especially true during a date. 

If you don’t strike her as being particularly interesting, there’s an extremely high likelihood that she’s going to jump on the ‘ghost ship’ and disappear into the night. 

16. You Seemed Incompatible 

I once matched with this cute woman on a dating app and started a conversation. 

We ended up meeting up for a date. But within the first five minutes of engaging in conversation, it became obvious that we had polarizing views on a lot of crucial topics. 

For example, our political views were almost entirely opposite. We also had entirely different views on intergender dynamics.

Our differences in belief on these things were so extreme, in fact, that she actually started criticizing my work right there during the date. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t really that interested in her after that. 

I didn’t necessarily ‘ghost’ her, per se—but I did make it pretty clear that I wasn’t interested.

Compatibility should be important to us as men, to a point—but it’s undeniably important to women. 

Don’t forget that most women are looking for some kind of long-term relationship. 

They’re looking for a measure of safety and security.

That’s their female nature at work.

And if they have serious doubts about your levels of compatibility, they may take that into account and decide to just disappear from your radar.

17. You Didn’t Create an Emotional Impact

We’ve already talked about connection in a more general sense.

But emotional impact goes even a step beyond this.

While you do want to create emotional connection, it’s also really important that you push the limits of this a little bit to really make the woman feel something while she’s with you. 

One interesting example of this is the fact that fear can sometimes trigger arousal and sexual desire.

By this logic, taking a girl for a ride on a roller coaster, seeing a scary movie, or going to a haunted house together might be an awesome date idea—because fear creates a definite and palpable emotional impact. 

Of course, fear isn’t the only emotion that can create impact. 

You can also create impact by engaging strong feelings of happiness, surprising her, making her laugh, getting her to open up about memorable or meaningful experiences from her past, etc. 

You can even create a bit of impact by getting her flustered, teasing her, or while giving her a hard time. 

This is where the classic idea of the ‘push pull’ technique first came from. 

In any case, creating emotional impact of some kind is a must if you want to seriously attract women. 

And if you fail to do this during your date, there’s a high likelihood that you’re going to get ghosted.

18. You Failed Her Value Tests

Every woman value tests the men she dates. 

Often, they do this automatically without even thinking about it. 

But some women also do it intentionally. 

Women value test men because they need to know if the guy sitting across from them is actually high value.

Women may test a man by challenging his opinion, making subtle stabs at his masculinity, or otherwise trying to nitpick, jab, or set him off in a way that’ll bring out and display his red flags. 

Men who successfully field these tests earn flying alpha male colors with the women who date them, whereas men who fail them end up looking like desperate, insecure losers.

Failing to pass a value test is most definitely going to earn you a possible front row seat on the ‘ghost train express.’

19. You Acted like a ‘Sad Boy’  

Women detest sad boys.

In fact, they’re actually attracted to the opposite. 

Women desire the attention, affection, commitment, and resources of strong, high value men who can shoulder the burdens associated with being a physical and emotional guardian/protector.

A woman doesn’t want to have to hold your hand and nurse your feelings. 

In fact, the opposite is true. 

She wants a man who can hold her hand and provide a shoulder to cry on—a man who’s strong and stoic enough to handle the chaos of her sweeping feminine emotions.

20. You Failed to Bring Her into Your Frame

I’ve already mentioned how women crave adventure. 

Well, one of the greatest adventures of a woman’s life is to enter a high value man’s frame and follow him as he pursues his mission in life. 

Believe it or not, women don’t want to be the prize.

They don’t want to be the target. 

Rather, they want to join a high value man who has a loftier, greater life mission and purpose—and then walk side-by-side as a partner with him as he pursues that purpose.

With that being said, men who fail to take this into account (men who fail to bring the woman into their frame) broadcast serious low value markers.

If they focus too much on the woman’s life and on trying to fit into it, they’re going to ruin the ‘perception of adventure’ for her. 

This falls very close to being needy, desperate, and boring—all rolled into one.

If you’re struggling with this concept, you may want to consider picking up a copy of a book called The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide to Winning with Women & Life, by Richard Cooper.  

The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide To Winning With Women & Life

This book changed my life. Period. It'll help you to understand the concepts of masculine frame and mental point of origin, which I believe are both crucial in your pursuit to become a better man for both yourself, and for the world. Cooper also breaks down the top 20 red flags that you should vet women for when considering them for a long term relationship, and they're on point. I don't say this lightly but it should be mandatory reading for all men.

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What to do When a Girl Ghosts You

Let’s be real about this one.

Getting ghosted sucks. 

However, it’s important to look at every failure in life as a powerful lesson—an opportunity to increase your odds of succeeding the next time around.

Keeping this principle in mind, here are 4 vital steps to walk through every time you get ghosted by a woman.

1. Assess the Situation

Don’t react emotionally. Don’t get mad. Don’t emotionally text her, demanding to know why she stood you up or hasn’t returned your messages. 

In fact, don’t contact her at all.

Instead, take a step back. 

Remain calm, and just assess the current state of the situation. 

Run through the steps listed above, and take a close look at how you’ve behaved. 

Is it possible that you made a few of the mistakes we’ve covered in this post? 

If so, you may be able to hone in on which ones you made, and then back-engineer a plausible theory for why the ghosting happened to begin with. 

2. Evaluate Your Mistakes

Once you develop a theory for where the interaction may have gone wrong, evaluate how you could have done things better. 

This will help you to avoid repeating the same mistakes with women in the future. 

Note: Sometimes, women ghost for reasons that don’t have anything to do with you. For example, they may go ghost if they’re having an on-again, off-again relationship with their ex, going through a difficult time at work, etc. 

But these situations are actually kind of rare. For the most part, if a woman ghosts you, it probably has something to do with either you not being her type, or you failing to display enough value to make a positive impact. 

3. Learn from It 

When you figure out where the conversation may have gone wrong, make an attempt to learn from it. 

Make a mental note of the mistake, and figure out what you can do to avoid it in the future. 

If you were ghosted over text, there’s a good chance your text game sucks. I know, because I was that guy once too. Take a course like OPTIONS and I assure you that you’ll make less texting mistakes.

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4. Move On and Continue to Build Your Value as a Man

Of course, the number-one method for increasing your attraction as a man is to simply work every day on becoming the best man that you can possibly be

Seek to level up your mind, body, and spirit on a daily basis. Also make sure to mind your business, work on getting your finances in order, and always be pursuing your purpose in life as your number-one goal. 


There you have it. 

20 reasons for why she may have ghosted you, along with everything you need to know to keep it from happening again in the future. 

Just remember—ghosting does happen, even to the best of us. 

So don’t get too down on yourself if you’ve experienced it. 

Just evaluate, learn from it, and get back in the saddle. 

You’ve got this. 

For more tips and advice on how to become a better man, make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel. 

Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.


Is she ghosting me or just busy?

Women rarely ghost a man just because they’re busy. 

Listen—girls are hardwired to pursue high value men. 

So if she vanished from your radar, you can bet that it had more to do with her perception of your value as a man than it had to do with her workload or responsibilities in life.

What to text after being ghosted

The best way to handle this is not to text her at all. 

If a woman has ghosted you, she’s already shown you that she isn’t going to be a good investment of your time. 

She’s just not into you enough to warrant further attention. 

Analyze it, learn from it, move on, and start talking to different women.

Why do I keep getting ghosted after a first date?

The main reason for why men get ghosted after the first date is because they failed to adequately broadcast high value, masculine signals. 

If a woman doesn’t perceive that you’re the type of man she can respect and admire, she’s not going to be interested at all in getting to know you any further. 


Should you ghost a girl you like?

As a general rule, I’m not a fan of ghosting. I think that men who regularly ghost women train themselves to be conflict avoidant betas

I much prefer that if you’ve already gone on a date with a woman, and/or have already slept with her, that you communicate that you’re not interested in her anymore so that she knows for sure that she should move on and pursue someone else. 

I see this as being the alpha mentality way to handle the situation.

Why is my girlfriend ghosting me?

If your girlfriend is ghosting you, it’s probably a sign that she no longer respects and admires you, and that the relationship is close to being over. 

To learn more about how to know exactly when to know ‘it’s over’ with your girlfriend, read our in-depth guide on the subject: 13 Surefire Signs It’s Time to Break Up With Your Girlfriend.