In my experiences dating women, I’ve been on both sides of the fence.
There have been cases where I truly cared about her, and was really into her.
And there have been cases where I just really wasn’t.
I remember this one time when I was dating four or five different women off and on, and I went on a date with this one particular woman who seemed to fall pretty hard for me.
I liked her—but in all honesty, I didn’t really consider her a serious option for me.
Nevertheless, I kept talking to her, and we had a couple more dates.
But things changed one day when she texted me a super long paragraph, and basically said:
“You’re not into me. I can tell. Otherwise, you’d be ‘acting’ like you’re into me. I just really want to know. Please be honest.”
I admitted to her that I saw our dating interactions as mostly ‘fun and casual,’ and she thanked me for my honesty.
But as a woman on the modern dating landscape, you probably know that most men won’t be quite that honest with you.
So how can you really tell the difference?
How will you know if a man is really into you, or just stringing you along for fun or as a backup plan?
These are good questions. And in this guide, we’re going to go deep and answer them in-depth.
Let’s dive into the male brain, and show you how to unravel the code.
30 Signs He Is Not Into You
1. He Tells You He’s Not into You
Let’s start with the obvious.
If he tells you specifically that he’s not into you, then it’s always in your best interest to believe him (as opposed to trying to change his mind or make it work anyway).
If he’s honest enough to tell you the truth, just walk away and find someone else.
2. He Starts Dating Someone Else
This point may seem obvious as well—but if he starts dating someone else on any kind of serious level, it’s probably safe to conclude that, at the very least, he’s not that into you.
3. He Doesn’t Take the Initiative
When a man is really interested in a woman, he’ll take action and put forth significant effort to spend time with her and build the relationship.
But if he’s not, he won’t.
4. He’s Elusive About Future Plans
When a man is really interested in a woman, the natural recourse would be for him to at least picture what his future life would be like with her in it. And this would likely lead to at least a few conversations about it.
But if these conversations are non-existent, it’s a pretty good sign that he’s leaving it that way on purpose.
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5. His Body Language Is “Off”
I’ve often told dating coach clients to watch the behavior first because it’s a lot easier to lie with words than with actions. People can say anything, but they’ll always tend to betray their true desires with how they act and what choices they make.
Couple this with the natural female evolutionary ability to pick up on body language cues with surprising accuracy, and you quickly realize that if a man’s body language seems closed off or distant during times when he could be creating romance, there’s likely a reason for it.
6. His Availability Seems Too Limited
If a man wants to spend time with a woman, he’ll make the time.
By contrast, if there are other things that are more important to him, he’ll most likely choose those things first.
7. He’s Flaky About Plans
As a man, I can say this with complete conviction and authority: men don’t flake on dates with women they’re legitimately interested in.
8. He Doesn’t Seem to Prioritize Responding to Your Messages
Think about how you feel when you get a message from someone you really like.
Like most people, you’d probably make every effort to respond to the message sooner rather than later, partly because you’re excited and partly because you don’t want them to think you don’t care.
Well, make no mistake about it—men feel the exact same way.
If he’s not prioritizing your messages, you can trust that there’s a reason for it.
9. He Doesn’t Seem to Be Putting Effort into Getting to Know You as a Human
Make no mistake about it—there’s a big difference between him figuring out how to get you into bed with him and him learning about you as a human.
If all of his efforts seem to be focused on getting you to the bedroom, and not on getting to know you at all as a human and just enjoying spending time with you, that’s a surefire sign that he’s more interested in the sex than he is in you.
10. He Doesn’t Bring You Around His Friends and Family
In the very early phases of dating, it’s normal for a person to want to maintain some distance between dating partners and friends and family.
But by the time you’re 4 to 5 months into the ‘relationship,’ you should definitely be seeing a shift in this protocol.
If you don’t, it could be because he’s just dating you for fun and doesn’t consider you a serious option.
11. He Seems Emotionally Unavailable
A man who’s really interested in a woman will eventually open up to her, speak with a certain measure of vulnerability, and share his thoughts, desires, hopes for the future, etc.
By contrast, the absence of any type of emotional availability may signal that you’re just not the woman he sees himself being vulnerable with.
12. He Doesn’t Seem to Care if You Date Other Guys
Now, don’t get it twisted—you definitely don’t want to be dating a crazy jealous jerk.
But if a guy doesn’t display even the slightest bit of care or interest in the fact that you may be seeing other men, then you should definitely consider the possibility that it’s because he doesn’t care enough about you to care who you’re seeing.
13. He Never Seems to Remember Important Details from Your Conversations
Does he never seem to remember specific details from your conversations? Does he constantly seem super forgetful, or like he wasn’t paying attention when you told him your birth date, what your favorite movie was, the state you grew up in, etc.?
This may be tough to hear, but take it to heart—men who really care about you will want to learn about you, and will naturally retain those types of details.
14. His Conversations Mainly Center Around Himself
If a man’s conversation centers mostly around himself, it could be because he’s just trying to impress you in order to seduce you.
By contrast, when a man seems more interested in learning about you, it could be indicative of the fact that he’s evaluating you because he actually believes there could be serious relationship potential between the two of you.
15. He Avoids Romantic Physical Intimacy
Is he all about the sex, but not so much about the hugging, the cuddling, the hand-holding, the sweet kisses on the cheek, etc?
This could be a surefire sign that you’re just bedroom fun for him and that he doesn’t value you as something ‘more serious.’
16. He Doesn’t Seem Interested in Providing Emotional Support
A man who’s interested in a woman as a potential partner will have a vested interest in providing certain levels of emotional support, and those levels will likely increase as the relationship deepens.
By contrast, for a man who sees the relationship as little more than a fling, spending significant time and energy providing emotional support will feel a lot like time and energy wasted that could have been spent pursuing other partners.
17. He Doesn’t Take an Intentional Interest in Anything You Care About
If a man is really into you, he’ll have a vested interest in learning about your hobbies and the things you care about.
Even if he didn’t start out with an interest in those things, the fact that you care about them will matter to him.
18. He’s Unwilling to Compromise
Men are much more likely to want to compromise with a woman they see a potential relationship with because they have a vested interest in not ruining the relationship over petty stubbornness.
So if he acts petty and stubborn, well, that could be an indication that he just doesn’t care enough to negotiate and reach a compromise.
19. He’s Inattentive Toward You, Both Over Text and in Person
If his attention is constantly focused elsewhere, especially when you’re trying to engage with him, have a conversation, or text him, you’re likely dealing with a man who just doesn’t see you as a very important person in his life.
20. He Seems Disinterested in Exclusivity
Have you brought up the subject of exclusivity, only to be met with indifference, the runaround, or some answer that equates to anything other than:
“Yeah, I’m definitely interested in that. Let’s talk about it.”
If so, you can trust that there’s a reason for it. The truth is, men will tend to be much more interested in exclusivity with a woman they believe in as a ‘life partner’ than with a woman they only see as a casual fling or friend with benefits.
21. He’s Negative and/or Critical of You
Obviously, it’s not necessarily realistic to think that you’re always going to get along with your dating partner 100% of the time.
With that being said, in the early days of dating, most people at least try to put their best foot forward and to display their best qualities.
Thus, if a man acts negative or critical toward you in those initial early days, it could be a sign that he’s more interested in picking apart your life choices than he is in dating you and possibly boyfriending you up.
He may also just be a jerk.
22. He Seems to Avoid Talking About Serious Life Stuff with You
Does the man you’re into tend to avoid talking about the serious life stuff, the deeper stuff, you find yourself wanting to talk about?
If you keep trying to take the conversation deeper, only to be met with the runaround, it could be a sign that he doesn’t see that deeper conversation as being worthwhile with you because he isn’t actually into you.
23. He Compares You to His Exes
Every once in a while, it’ll be relevant to mention something about an ex-partner during a conversation, especially if you’re talking about dating.
But if the man you’re dating constantly talks about his exes, can’t seem to ‘let go’ of the past, or even worse, compares you to his exes during a conversation—well, those are some pretty big red flags that may indicate that he’s actually still hung up on her, and not super serious about you.
24. He Doesn’t Pay You Compliments
As a general rule, men are a lot more interested in at least investigating the possibility of a relationship with women they find beautiful and aesthetically attractive.
With that being said, men who feel this way about a woman will have a natural inclination to want to compliment her—even if they do so on a subtle level.
If you never get compliments from him, it could be a sign that he’s just not that into you.
25. He Acts Defensive When You Question His Motives
Does he often get defensive when the time comes to talk about relationship stuff?
Does he seem to get squirrely when you mention the possibility of commitment or exclusivity?
If so, you might want to be careful—these could be signs that he’s just not feeling it the same way you are.
26. He Answers Relationship Questions with “Non-Answers”
Nobody is as good at the ‘non-answer’ as a man who doesn’t want a relationship, but who also doesn’t want to come out and say it.
Unfortunately, these are the exact types of situations that you, as a woman, need to watch out for because they can quickly leave you stranded in ‘backburner’ territory, believing you have a shot with a guy who’s just stringing you along until he meets the woman he’s actually interested in.
27. He Seems Intent on Keeping Your “Relationship” a Secret
A man who really loves you will want to broadcast his relationship with you to the world—especially after you’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months.
Any man who doesn’t want to put you on display is sending you a very powerful negative sign:
“She’s cool to hang out with in private, but I don’t want the world to see her with me.”
28. He’s Impatient
Is the guy you’re dating impatient about stuff like sex, packing up and taking off right after sex, and/or leaving to ‘move on to the next thing in his day’ after the two of you hook up?
This isn’t a good sign. It tells you that you’re just another activity on his itinerary, not a valuable person in his life.
29. He Doesn’t Seem to Care About Your Feelings
This one hurts, but it’s also one of the simplest ways to see for sure that a guy isn’t into you.
To put it bluntly, a guy who’s really into you will care about your feelings, and he’ll show you that through his actions.
30. You Have a Bad Gut Feeling About It
In my experience dating, and in my experiences coaching people in their dating lives, I’ve noticed that people (especially women) tend to be pretty good at picking up on vibes and energy instinctually.
And here’s the thing:
If something in your gut is telling you that he’s not as into you as you’re into him, you should probably listen to it.
It’s highly likely that, at a certain level, you’re right.
Think of it this way:
If the relationship felt amazing, and if it felt like the right thing in all of the ways that mattered most—you wouldn’t have any doubts about it.
Because you wouldn’t have any reason to doubt it.
6 Signs He’s Not Into You Over Text
One of the most difficult minefields to navigate while dating is the text game.
Reading written messages that are punctuated periodically with emojis and memes can be confusing—and it can be really difficult to determine someone’s motives through such a limited medium.
But there are still plenty of things that you can look for that can serve as pretty surefire indicators of interest (or a lack of it).
Here are the six most crucial things to look for.
1. He Responds with One-Word Replies
Let’s put it this way:
If he’s really into you, the natural inclination will be for him to want to text you sentences and paragraphs—not one-word replies.
2. His Responses Are Delayed or Nonexistent
When you’re texting someone you really like, you’ll pretty much always figure out a way to respond to their message right away.
Because it matters to you.
And men are absolutely no different in this.
3. He Rarely Initiates Conversations
If you are always the first one starting conversations, there’s a good chance that he’s just talking to you to keep you in rotation while he spends the majority of his time pursuing the women he’s actually serious about.
4. He Doesn’t Put Much Effort into It
Maybe he does text sentences—but maybe they feel lifeless, vapid, and lacking in energy.
If it feels like pulling teeth to get a good conversation or a date out of him, it’s probably an indication that he’s just not as into you as you’d like him to be.
5. He Avoids Deep or Personal Conversation
Texting isn’t always the best medium for deep personal communication.
With that being said, once you start talking to each other more regularly, and once the relationship deepens a little bit, it would be reasonable to expect at least small glimpses of vulnerability and deeper personal conversation—even through the limited medium of texting.
If this is altogether absent in every single way, it’s likely an indication that he just doesn’t care enough to put in the effort to be vulnerable.
6. His Language Is Usually Non-Committal
If you find that he’s constantly safeguarding his calendar, time, and energy when talking to you, as if he’s hesitant to agree to anything—you’re probably looking at a situation where he’s juggling multiple women, and you’re just not his favorite one.
6 Signs He’s Not Into You Sexually
For men, the idea of sleeping with a lot of different women is very appealing.
There’s no secret about the fact that men love sexual novelty and that they tend to seek it out in their dating life.
Therefore, getting a man to sleep with you once is generally not an issue.
Getting him to commit, and to want to sleep with you and only you consistently, is another ordeal entirely.
If you’re wondering whether the man you’re talking to is actually legitimately sexually interested in you (beyond just being a potential hookup), here are some signs that you’ll want to keep an eye out for.
1. There’s a General Lack of Intimacy
Did the energy surrounding intimacy take a dip or drop after the first few initial intimate encounters?
If so, it could be an indication that he’s just not that into you.
2. He Seems Distracted When the Time Comes to Get Close
If he often seems distracted when you’re trying to make a move, flirt, or engage in some carnal bedroom fun—you’re most likely looking at a situation where he’s just not into you enough to want to put in the effort for intimacy.
3. He Rarely (If Ever) Compliments Your Appearance
Men who are very interested in a woman will most likely find her incredibly sexually attractive—and they’ll generally find a way to compliment her in all kinds of different contexts.
Simply put—if you’re getting zero compliments from the dude, there’s at least a partial chance that he’s just not that into you as a potential partner.
4. He Seems to Avoid Making Eye Contact
Men love making eye contact with beautiful women.
Thus, if the man you’re interested in seems reluctant to make eye contact with you—well, that’s probably not a very good sign.
5. He Shies Away From Your Touches
Does he seem to find a way to create distance between the two of you whenever you try to touch him?
Speaking from experience, I can tell you this with 100% certainty—men love to be touched by the woman they care about.
If he’s not really leaning into your touch and showing you that he’s enjoying it, there’s definitely a problem.
6. He Seems Reluctant to Discuss His Desires or Fantasies
Does the man you’re dating never tell you about his fantasies, desires, or naughty fascinations with you?
Not all men are as comfortable talking about these things with their female partners. But if he just doesn’t seem at all interested in sharing these things with you, it could be an indication that he doesn’t see you as being a serious enough partner to put that kind of effort into.
He’s Not Interested: What to Do Next
Discovering that the man you’re interested in doesn’t feel the same way can be incredibly disappointing.
It’s essential, however, to learn how to move forward in such situations with positivity and grace.
Here are some steps that you can take, starting today:
1. Don’t Get Hung Up on Him
It’s natural to feel hurt when these types of things happen, but try not to dwell on the disappointment.
Remember your worth and that you deserve someone who recognizes and appreciates you fully.
2. Invest in Yourself
Take this time to focus on your personal growth.
Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, advancing in your career, hitting the gym, or working on your mental health (or even better, all of the above), make yourself a priority and level up.
3. Meet Other People
When you feel ready, put yourself back out there.
Meet new people, expand your social circles, and enjoy the process of getting back on the ‘dating horse’ to start again.
It might not be easy to feel optimistic about dating after getting your feelings hurt. But hey—dating, like anything else in life, takes a bit of skill and determination to master.
And honestly, the more you do it, and the more intentional you are about it, the better off you’ll be—and the better your results will tend to be.
Need some help with this step? Consider reading the best dating book ever written for women—Get the Guy, by Matthew Hussey.
4. Live Your Own Life and Have Your Own Adventures
Don’t put your life on hold just because you’re hoping and wishing for a man to want to join you.
Create your own adventures.
Travel, learn new things, and embrace the joy of experiencing life on your terms.
This emotional independence will make you a happier, stronger person—and it’ll also make you a more attractive partner to the men in your dating circles.
5. Maintain Hope and Keep Trying
It can be discouraging when things don’t work out with the guy you really liked, but keep your heart open to new possibilities.
Love may find you in the most unexpected places and moments.
Keep those positive vibes flowing, keep your confidence level high, and keep being your awesome, amazing self.
6. Spend Plenty of Time With Friends and Family
Obviously, it would be awesome to find the perfect man to date.
But in the meantime, try not to isolate yourself.
Reach out to friends and family members for fun, to hang out, and to spend quality time together.
Share your feelings with people you trust and who have your best interests at heart.
7. Reflect and Learn
Use this experience (even if painful) as a learning opportunity.
Reflect on what you’ve learned about your desires, boundaries, and what you seek in a partner for future relationships.
By taking these steps, you’ll be effectively paving the way to healthier, happier relationships for yourself in the future.
Just one more piece of advice:
Remember that it’s perfectly okay to take time for yourself to heal and grow before jumping into something new.
If your heart is broken, engage in some ‘rest and recovery’ before jumping back into the fray. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that.
Go with grace, ladies—and never give up your power.
How do you test if a guy is into you?
Honestly, the best test of a man’s interest is to provide him with the opportunity to spend real, quality time with you (outside of the bedroom), and see how eager/willing he is to take the bait.
Always watch what men do—it’ll speak volumes more than what they say (especially if they tend to say one thing and do the opposite).
Simply put—if a man truly likes you, he’ll make a pretty significant effort to spend time with you and get to know you on a human level.
Am I overthinking or is he losing interest?
Here’s the thing:
Sometimes, we overthink. But it’s also important to look at the facts.
Are there specific and rational reasons for why you think he might be losing interest?
For example—are you seeing a few of the signs we mentioned above, but also getting mixed signals from him at the same time?
If so, you’re definitely not crazy. It’s really important to trust yourself and to trust your instincts about these things.
If there was nothing to worry about, you’d have no reason to worry—and you’d likely feel that way as a result.
What are some body language signs that he’s not into you?
Understanding body language can offer a rich insight into how someone feels about you.
Avoided Eye Contact: A lack of eye contact can suggest he isn’t fully engaged or interested.
Closed Body Language: Body language like crossed arms might indicate discomfort or disinterest.
Leaning Away: If he leans away from you during conversations, it may mean he’s keeping a distance emotionally and physically.
Minimal Facial Expressions: A restrained expression can signal a lack of interest or enthusiasm in the interaction.
Frequent Checks on the Clock or Phone: If he often looks at his watch or phone, it might be a sign that he is not fully present and is eager to leave.
Rare Smiles: Infrequent smiles could be a sign of discomfort or indifference.
Physical Barrier: Creating barriers with objects can be a subconscious attempt to maintain distance.
Limited Gestures: A lack of welcoming gestures can indicate reservation or disinterest.
Avoiding Touch: If he avoids physical contact, it can show a reluctance to establish a closer connection.
Feet Pointing Away: Feet directed away from you might signal a desire to leave.
It’s essential to remember, however, that body language can be quite individual, and what might be a sign of disinterest in one person could just be a habit or preference for another.
Therefore, always consider the broader context and, when in doubt, communicate openly to understand his true feelings.