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How to ask a girl out Man awkwardly touching a girl on the shoulder
 /  Dating

How to Ask a Girl Out: 6 Simple Steps to Have More Success

Joshua Sigafus

Dating, Relationships

Joshua has 15 years of writing experience within the complex territories of dating, masculinity, and relationships. His own personal life journey was kick-started by a pivotal marital breakdown of his own and led him down a path of self-discovery and masculine transformation, culminating in him developing a career as a men's dating coach. Read full bio.

Last Updated: Mar 6, 2023
12 min read

The first time I ever asked a girl out was to my junior prom. 

In hindsight, thinking back on it, I didn’t do too bad of a job of it. 

I walked up to her after class one day, and just blurted out the request. 

“I was thinking, would you like to go with me to prom?”

She said ‘yes,’ and that was that. 

But why did she say yes?

Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking about those old days—and as it turns out, even though I didn’t realize it at the time, the reason she said ‘yes’ to my request was because I used all of the six basic, essential steps to ask her out. 

They didn’t all happen that day. I checked some of them off the list in the days prior (this is called long game). 

And weirdest of all, I had no idea that I was doing it right. 

Cosmo Kramer Mind Blown GIF

But, it still worked. I got a hot prom date, we had a great time, and that was that. 

But what are these ‘steps’ that I got right enough to get a ‘yes?’ 

In this post, you’re going to learn about the 6 steps that I’ve used countless times to successfully get women to say ‘yes’ to dates with me. 

These aren’t tricks or gimmicks. This isn’t some ‘get a girlfriend quick’ guide. 

This is a primer on the proper, masculine technique for asking a girl out, and getting a ‘yes’ response as often as possible. 

But first, let’s cover some basic stuff you need to know.

Why the Guy Should Ask the Girl Out

David M Buss Quote About Competition

You may wonder why the man usually seems to be the one to ask the lady out. 

Well, there’s a really good reason for this. 

To put it simply, women are a more valuable sexual commodity on the dating marketplace than men. 


Because they’ve got the ‘important’ reproductive gear (i.e. they can give birth). 

All throughout human history, males have been the ‘competitors’ of the dating marketplace, and women have been the ‘selectors.’ 

Men compete to produce offspring with the highest value women, and women ‘vet’ male partners to find the man who’s most likely to provide high-quality genes for the children, contribute to her survival, and further the survival odds for her offspring.

Even if the woman doesn’t specifically want to have a family and/or children, this is still the ‘instinct’ that drives her mate-selection choices.

This is the great balance of the human mating dance. 

It may sound like men are up against a big challenge. 

But never fear. All men need to do to close this gap is to build up their value as men. 

Beautiful women turn their noses up at low value men, but crave the attention of high value men who are making a real difference in the world. 

Therefore, the best way for men to create sexual abundance in their lives is by becoming better men

Check out our detailed piece on the alpha male to learn even more about this. And enroll in my in-depth dating system if you’re serious about embracing it and truly leveling up your success with women:

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This is why men usually ask the woman out—because they’re the competitors of the dating marketplace, and need to outperform other men in order to get ‘selected’ by the highest value women in the room. 

How to Ask a Girl Out: 6 Crucial Steps

Note: In each of these steps, you’re going to learn about the process from two different perspectives. 

  1. In real life
  2. Over text

This way, you’ll be prepared to engage women regardless of how you meet them; through online dating/social media, or in real life. 

Let’s get into it.

Step #1: Approach

Kezia Noble Quote About Attraction

The ‘approach’ step happens while you’re walking up to her, before you ever talk to her. Your goal in this step is to make a positive, strong, masculine first-impression before words are ever spoken or exchanged. 

In Person

Make sure to deploy positive, masculine, confident body language. Dress your best, and approach her from the front or side (never from behind). 

Walk with purpose and intent. Be strong and confident. If she senses wishy-washy behavior during this step, or senses that you’re intimidated by her, she’ll be instantly turned off. 

Make strong eye contact. If you absolutely want to smile, do so. 

But science actually tells us that women are more attracted (especially at first impression) to men who don’t smile

Over Text

This is the step where you set up your online dating profile for maximum attractiveness. 

Get high quality photos. Write a positive bio that displays your personality while still keeping some things a mystery. 

Here’s what my latest Tinder bio said as an example; I got really good results with it:

“I’m a writer, blogger, YouTuber, Podcaster, and dating coach in an open relationship with a wonderful gay girlfriend! Looking for cool, motivated people to share some life with. Kindness and respect FTW. Pursue your dreams and be genuinely you!”

I also had a professional photographer take my photos. Spend $100 and get someone to take some actual, good photos of you. It makes a big difference.

Step #2: Engage

Marilyn Monroe Quote About making women laugh

The ‘engagement’ step happens when you introduce yourself and start talking. Your goal in this step is to build-upon the first impression created during the ‘approach’ step with a strong, solid introduction and the beginnings of a conversation. 

In Person

Make sure to strike up an interesting conversation. Don’t use the same old “hey beautiful” lines when you engage a woman like this. 

I like to blend professionalism with intelligent stimulation during this step. I will jump right to forming a personal connection, and will usually start with a question. 

Here are some examples of introductions that could be really effective in real life:

“Hello, my name is Josh. What’s your name?” (Wait for an answer.) “I see you’re doing some reading.” (Motions to book she’s holding.) “What are you reading about?” 

“Hello, my name is Josh. I noticed your jewelry.” (I like facial piercings, and am very attracted to women who have them, so I often use this as an ‘in’ to start a conversation.) “I wanted to ask you about it. What’s your name?”

Over Text

Never start your texts with lines like:

  • Hey beautiful
  • Hello gorgeous
  • WYD babygirl

Instead, send text messages that show you’ve read her bio, and are interested in what she said in it. 

Here are a few examples of introductions that could be effective when online dating and talking over text:

“Hello Libra Chelsea who also likes to read obscure poetry. How’s your day going? (In this example, I’ve used details from her profile and weaved them into my opening message. This works really well.)

You’re a sushi addict, but live in Springfield? You must be getting your sushi from somewhere else! (In this example, I jumped onto one thing she said in her bio and went straight into a conversation/question about it. I didn’t even bother with an introduction. This approach can also work really well.)

Step #3: Build Connection

The ‘connection’ step is where you start sharing more personal information with one-another. 

This facilitates personal and emotional connection, which is a necessary prerequisite to attraction and chemistry for both men and women.  

Your goal in this step is to learn about her by asking thought-provoking, relevant, intelligent questions, and then to share information about yourself by answering questions in return, or volunteering answers to your own questions. 

In Person

At this point, you’ve already approached and engaged her. In my opinion, it’s best to start this step as soon as possible—maybe even right after you’ve introduced yourself. 

It’s not complicated. Ask her some thought-provoking questions to learn about her as a human. 

Need to really up the ante? Try out a few of these existential or hypothetical questions, and pay attention to how she answers them. 

Remember, you’re evaluating her to see if the substance within matches the beauty on the outside.

Don’t focus on her looks. Focus on her words and on who she is as a person.

Over Text

The same rules that apply in-person apply over text, but with one caveat:

You don’t want to become her ‘text buddy.’ Exchange four or five thought provoking, relevant, connection-building messages at the very most before moving right to closing, and ask her on a date.

You’re the man, so you set the time and place for the date. 

Don’t ‘date’ via text. Online dating should only be used to meet people. Do the ‘getting to know them’ in-person at a real place.  

Step #4: Get Her to Answer Another Question with a ‘Yes’ First 

View this post on Instagram

This could be considered more of a ‘tip’ than an actual ‘step.’ But I included it as a step because it’s truly an effective technique. It’s effectiveness is so universal that it deserves its own spot here. 

The goal is to ask her some kind of question (maybe even several) that’ll elicit a ‘yes’ response before you actually ask her out on a date. This makes her odds of saying ‘yes’ to your date proposal better, and increases your odds of success. 

In Person 

This can be done while building connection. Even if you ask her something that doesn’t seem significant, all you need to do is get her to say ‘yes’ to something. 

“Do you like sushi?”

“Do you like chocolate ice-cream?”

“I think this place is kind of tacky. Do you agree?”

Over Text

The same techniques described above can be utilized in your text conversations. 

Have you matched with a hot girl?

Jump into engagement. Then, ask some questions to start building connection. 

Four to five texts in, get her to answer ‘yes’ to something, then hit her with the invite.

You: “Do you like coffee?”

Her: “Yes.” 

You: “Would you like to get a coffee with me tomorrow night at 7pm at the Downtown Coffee House on South Street?”

Step #5: Sexually Escalate (but Only Slightly)  

Quote by Tallyrand about seduction

This step (which includes a little bit of touching and flirting) is important because it’ll show her that you’re sexually interested in her. 

When you perform it correctly, she’ll intuitively know that you’re interested in her in a sexual way, even without you needing to come right out and say it. 

The goal with this step is to establish yourself as a sexual option within her mind as early on as possible, and get her to categorize you that way (as opposed to categorizing you as a friend).

Men who fail to properly sexually escalate run the risk of getting friend-zoned. 

In Person

You don’t need to go overboard on this step. A slight touch to the arm, or brushing her hair out of her face works really well. Just initiate a little bit of physical contact, to create the ‘impact’ you need to really get her focused on you. 

Sometimes, touching when asking for the date isn’t even necessary. Even if you just enter a more confident, sexually assertive frame of mind, she may pick up on that, and it makes a difference. 

You can also tap into a bit of light flirting. Maybe pay her a compliment and let her know that you want to see her again—but once again, don’t go overboard. 

Over Text

This is a step you want to skip until you meet her in person. 

Initiate physical contact when you meet her. Don’t discuss sex or anything sexually related via text unless she brings it up. And even then, keep it about two notches less intense than whatever she’s saying. 

You can pay her a compliment or two via text, but don’t go overboard on this either. 

Save the sexual escalation for the in-person date. 

Step #6: Go in for the ‘Close’ and Ask Her Out

During the ‘closing’ step, you take the leap and ask her out. 

The goal here is to ask her to do a specific thing with you, at a specific time, at a specific place—and it’ll be the same whether you’re talking to her in-person, or over text. 

What To Say When Going In For The ‘Ask’

When going in for the ask, make sure that you’re specific. Don’t be vague, and don’t expect her to make the plans or decide on a time. 

Say something like this:

“I’m thinking you + me + pizza on Tuesday at Pizza Diner on South Street. Say 7pm?”

Not this:

“Hey, would you like to hang out sometime? Maybe we could grab something to eat. What day would work for you?”

Another good option is to ask her along to do something you’re already doing:

“Hey, my friends and I are going to a Big Band concert this Friday at 7pm, at the Downtown Venue on South Street. Would you like to come with?”

Always ask with confidence, expecting a yes—and don’t act ‘surprised’ when she agrees to it. 

You’re a high value man. This is normal, everyday stuff for you. 

What If She Says ‘No?’

Even if you get really skilled at asking women out, you’re still going to get a ‘no’ sometimes. 

Take me, for example. I get a lot of ‘yes’ answers. But that doesn’t mean that I also don’t get ‘no’ answers from time to time. 

It happens. 

But as strong, masculine men, our goal is to hold our head high and stay confident, even when we get a ‘no’ answer from the woman we want to date. 

If she says no, be proud that you took your shot—and then move on to the next opportunity. 

Don’t dwell on it, and don’t stress over it. 

When to Ask a Girl Out: Do’s and Don’ts 

Attractive woman flirting with a guy on a couch with a coffee cup 3

For the most part, deciding when to ask a girl out is pretty intuitive. But here are some simple do’s and don’ts to help you navigate this sometimes confusing landscape. 

DO ask her out when:

  • She seems interested in talking to you
  • She seems relaxed and in a good mood
  • She answers your questions without acting like she needs to escape
  • Her body language is telling you that she’s vibing with you

DON’T ask her out when:

  • She seems to be really busy or stressed out
  • She acts like she’s trying to ‘escape’ from the conversation
  • She’s already told you no
  • You’re in a context that just doesn’t seem to make sense (think twice before hitting on the nurse administering your STI test, for example—or your direct supervisor at work)


Hopefully, this post has given you everything you need to learn how to ask a girl out the proper way. 

But before you go, here’s one more tip. 

Be genuinely and authentically you. 

Sure, the tips and steps exist for a reason. But if in doubt, always be yourself—because acting natural and confident are the most important parts of the puzzle. 

Want more tips and advice for men? Check out our YouTube channel

Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.