Flirting is an art form.
It’s a skill that falls somewhere between comedy, sales, debate, and theater performance.
Some people are born as ‘naturally gifted flirts,’ while others need to develop it as a skill if they really want to get good at it.
I’m a perfect example of this.
I used to suck at flirting.
I definitely wasn’t a ‘natural.’
With that being said, I’ve had the opportunity in my life to spend time around many natural flirts.
My best friend in high school matched this description.
He was a tall, handsome smooth talker who could have the girls laughing, fawning, and making googly eyes at him in almost no time flat.
He would tease them, tell them jokes, give them a hard time, and seemed to have this way of just wrapping them around his little finger.
Now, his ability to get and keep a girlfriend—well, that was a different story.
He struggled a bit on that front.
But his natural ability to get women interested in him and communicate his value via flirtation was truly impressive.
In fact, to this day he’s probably one of the best ‘natural flirts’ I’ve ever met.
But here’s the thing that most normal guys (like you and me) need to understand.
Anyone can learn to flirt if they’re willing to set aside their preconceived ideas and focus on understanding the core concepts.
And in this article, I’m going to break it all down for you.
Flirting 101: What is Flirting?
Flirting is fundamentally the skill of subtly expressing a controlled amount of romantic or sexual interest for someone else without coming out and stating it directly.
Humans are very complex social creatures—and our social hierarchies are built on the foundations of complicated social rules that we learn intuitively as we grow up, socialize with other humans, and eventually strike out on our own to form our own social connections and bonds in life.
People who master these ‘unwritten social rules’ are the ‘social naturals’ among us. They’re the types of people who know exactly what to say at the right time, how to avoid making things awkward, how to understand when things are implied and when they’re not, how to pick up on social cues, and how to read between the lines to make conversations ebb and flow as organically as possible.
Flirting is a set of tools developed specifically to help men and women navigate the complex landscape of the dating marketplace while still adhering to implicit, unspoken social rules in human society—so as to maximize their mating potential whilst minimizing the danger of ‘social collateral damage’ at the same time.
Why Should You Flirt With Girls?
Flirting with girls is important because it’s crucial to communicate the fact that you’re interested without sabotaging your attraction markers or saying things that could diminish your social standing in whatever social setting you happen to be in.
It’s also important because, as men, we are the competitors in the dating marketplace—while women are the selectors.
This means that if we want to succeed with women, it’s up to us to approach, engage, start conversations, and lead the interaction.
If you’ve done a good enough job at becoming a high value man, and if she feels that ‘spark’ of attraction while she’s talking to you—then you just may end up getting a number, landing a date, scoring a hookup, etc.
So flirt as often as possible with as many high value women as you come into contact with. This is how we pursue women as confident modern gentlemen within the context of our civilized society.
I break down the importance of flirting in a lot more detail in my in-depth Dating & Masculinity Transformation System. If you’re serious about getting better results when interacting with women and building the dating life you really want, I highly recommend you check it out.
This premium step-by-step system will teach you everything you need to know to attract the women you desire and keep them in your life. Across 13+ hours of engaging video lessons and 300+ pages of eBook content, renowned dating coach Joshua K. Sigafus will teach you the exact strategies that he and hundreds of his students have applied to achieve wildly positive results with women.
How to Flirt With Girls in Person: 8 Surefire Tips
1. Be Confident
Confidence is truly the first key to attraction.
If you don’t like yourself, why should she?
Make sure to stand up tall. Make direct eye contact, show off your impressive smile—and give her a solid, firm, lingering handshake when you greet her and introduce yourself.
Keep your shoulders back. Keep your chin up.
And don’t be afraid to take up some space.
Comfortable alpha mentality men don’t shrink away into the corner or make themselves small.
If you’re a shy guy, read this guide for some specific strategies for this: Do Girls Like Shy Guys? How to Win in Dating as a Quiet Guy.
Puff out your chest and strut around like you own the place.
If you’re unsure of how to leverage attractive body language, consider finding a movie star, a character in a TV show, or even a real-life example of someone who has incredible body language and practice emulating that person.
One of my favorite examples of a pop culture celebrity who has amazing confident body language is Conor McGregor.
2. Use Observational Openers
If you’re interested in a girl and thinking about flirting with her, one of the first things you want to do is avoid the cardinal sin of making her the mission.
It’s important that you maintain your frame as a powerful, attractive man who’s just interested in a woman—and observational openers are a fantastic way to engage with a woman without necessarily making her the focus of your mission.
One of my favorite ways to open a conversation with a woman I plan to flirt with is to make a comment about either one of her facial piercings or the context of the location.
For example—if you spot an attractive woman by the bread section at the grocery store, you could walk up to her, stand confidently beside her, and strike up a conversation by saying something like:
“So—are you a bread expert?”
She might say:
“Oh, no. I just really like bread.”
Then, you could play off of that by saying something like:
“Awww. Pity. I’ve got an Italian Grandmother who’ll be beside herself with shame if her grandson doesn’t show up to the reunion with Italian bread that reminds her of the old country. Do you have any Italian in your bloodline?”
See, this is playful and kind of ridiculous (hence, flirting)—but it all falls into ‘socially reasonable’ territory, and is based purely on observations of your surroundings and context.
It also leads into a question that prompts further conversation and the building of connection.
3. Focus On Her
This may sound like a contradiction of my last tip—but what I mean by this is something a bit more subtle.
When you start flirting with a woman, you want to avoid talking too much about yourself.
Instead, you want to keep the focus on her.
In nature, women are the selectors and men are the competitors.
And in the context of a flirtatious conversation, it’s important to understand that the woman is the buyer.
She’s the one who’s doing the ‘selecting.’
So if you’re interested in her and want to stand out to her, it’s in your best interest to keep the focus on her—and to make moves that impact her on an emotional and psychological level.
- Engaging with her
- Getting her attention
- Standing out from the crowd
- Building connection
- Eliciting emotional impact
- Learning about her
You don’t want to try to sell yourself, per se.
You want to get into her psyche, make her feel a bit self-conscious, and get her to feel like she needs to qualify herself to you—and it all needs to be done under the guise of humor, wit, and innocent wordplay/flirtplay.
4. Make Her Laugh
One of the foundational keys to attraction when it comes to women is to get them to feel something.
You need to create emotional impact.
If you want to do a deeper dive into this topic, I would suggest reading The Noble Art of Seducing Women, by Kezia Noble. She’s an absolute pro at teaching men how to do this.
You can also dig into the neuroscience of lust, attraction, and attachment of this business by reading the book Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, by Helen Fisher.
But the point here is that you don’t want to be boring.
And making a woman laugh is a very positive, fun, and exciting way to elicit an emotional response.
There are a million ways to create emotional impact—but making a woman laugh is by far the most potent and powerful way to flirt without coming off as boring.
If you need some help with this, check out our in-depth guide: How to Make a Girl Laugh: 10 Surefire Methods Proven by Comedians.
5. Tease Her
It’s really important to establish yourself as a high-value, powerful, self-validated man within the context of the conversation—a man who’s developed a budding fascination, curiosity, or even distraction with her.
In other words, you’re not trying to put her on a pedestal, compete for her attention, or even qualify yourself to her.
Think of yourself as a powerful giant playing with a cute little kitten.
She’s a curiosity to you.
She’s like a fun, shiny little trinket that caught your eye and caused you to pause from your ‘adventure’ for a moment to enjoy an interaction, interface with the ‘feminine,’ and play with her a little bit.
When you tease a woman, this is the kind of mindset you want to broadcast.
It needs to be coming from a place of confidence and self-validated power
You can tease her, poke a little fun at her, and give her a hard time.
But of course, like a great big giant playing with a little kitten, you never want to go so far that you accidentally hurt her feelings.
Teasing should always be kept gentle enough that it’s fun.
When it starts to encroach on territory that could be hurtful, it has gone too far—and that’s not what you want.
We’ve published a complete guide on this: How to Tease a Girl: 7 Playful Teases That Drive Women Crazy. Make sure to read it to familiarize yourself with some actual real-world techniques.
6. Use Masculine Frame
Women are hardwired to pick up on weakness in men.
This is an evolutionary adaptation they’ve developed to help them survive.
(In fact, if you really want to understand how women think and behave when it comes to their core evolutionary mating behavior, you should read Why Women Have Sex, by Cindy Meston and David Buss. That book will rock your world.)
Therefore, as a man, whenever you’re flirting with a woman, interacting with her, talking to her, etc. you always want to maintain a stoic, strong, alpha presence.
Think to yourself:
- You’re not afraid of this woman rejecting you.
- You’re not hanging on her every word as if she’s the only living, breathing woman you’ll ever have a chance with.
- You’re on your own journey. Your life is already fulfilled. You have fortunes to make, dragons to slay, and kingdoms to build.
Interfacing with the feminine is something you do for enjoyment—to experience some beauty in the world as a man.
There’s nothing this woman could say or do to you that would cause you to sway from your stoic, masculine frame.
This is the kind of mindset you need to have as you banter and flirt with women.
A man who is unmoved by a woman’s games will pass all of her value tests and earn her respect—and respect is an absolutely essential component of attraction.
7. Use Innocuous Touch
A lot of men make the mistake of not physically escalating when they flirt with women.
While it’s true that the meat and potatoes of the flirtation game are verbal, mental, and emotional, physical touch delivers a strong and powerful component to the mix.
And when you neglect it, your flirtation game is going to suffer.
Practice using graceful, innocent, innocuous touch to subtly enhance your teases and jokes.
The key is to keep the touches innocent enough that a roomful of observers wouldn’t think twice about them—but to make them just playful enough and/or sensual enough that they cause the hairs on the back of her neck to stand straight up with emotional and sexual tension.
You can accomplish this in a number of ways:
- A slight touch to the back of her hand as you reach for your drink at the bar
- Taking her hand to lead her across the room
- Gently nudging her arm with your elbow
- Brushing some wisps of hair out of her face so that you can get a better look at the color of her eyes
- Cupping her chin in your hand as you tilt her face to look at the earrings she’s wearing
- Running a smooth hand over the tattoo on her forearm as you admire the artwork you just asked her about
- Leaning in close (close proximity alone, when used sparingly, will get her attention as well) and whispering something into her ear
These are all very subtle, yet powerful ways to use innocuous physical touch to create incredible emotional impact.
8. Invite Her Into Your Frame
As men, we must always remember that women are not our mission.
Women don’t want to be the mission. They want to join a man who’s on a mission and walk alongside him.
So whenever you’re moving toward ‘closing’ while flirting with a woman, it’s always important to maintain the frame of the conversation as such:
“I’m a powerful man on an adventure. If you’d like, you could join me in that adventure. I’m interested in you and you’re attractive—so this could be something magical. You could (and should) give me your number. And we could connect again at a later time to spend some time alone together. Then, we could go out—and you could learn a little bit more about the amazing, incredible things I’m doing and accomplishing as a man in this world. And you’d be fortunate to have this opportunity—because I’m definitely a man worth spending time with.”
Now, these aren’t necessarily going to be your exact words.
You want to be organic and use your own personality as you flirt and engage.
But the idea here is that this is the energy and the subconscious messaging you want to be sending as you flirt with her and move toward either asking for the number, asking for the date, or inviting her back to your place.
The reason for this is because, as a man, you always want to invite the woman into your frame.
This is going to maximize the potential for mutual respect and attraction.
Men who enter the woman’s frame are not seen as powerful men.
They’re seen as weak—and women quickly lose respect for them.
As I always say—women have evolved to smell weakness like a shark smells blood in the water.
How to Flirt With a Girl Over Text
Flirting with a girl over text is a somewhat nuanced game.
The upside to texting is that it’s easy and gives you the opportunity to flirt at almost any time.
The downside is that some of the energy and context can get lost in ‘vague text translation.’
For this reason, we’ve created an ‘ultimate texting guide’ to help men navigate these challenging, yet often rewarding waters. You’ll want to read this before you journey forward into this particular stretch of uncharted territory: How to Text a Girl: 35 Texts That Will Make Her Want You.
And if you want to have even better results, much faster, I highly recommend you check out my favorite texting course, OPTIONS. The ready-to-send templates within are literal gold:
Nevertheless, I’ve developed some techniques that have helped me to do quite well at this aspect of the game.
Here are my favorites.
How to Flirt With a Girl Over Text Examples
1. Text Things That Remind You of Her
Sending funny memes, quotes, pics, or just random stuff you see that reminds you of her can be very flirtatious. She’ll be flattered that you thought of her.
The key here is to keep things light. Unless you’ve already slept together or are in a relationship, you want to be really careful about that ‘hot and heavy’ stuff.
2. Be Ridiculous
Pushing seemingly ‘normal’ things to ridiculous levels is an awesome way to tip mundane conversation over into ‘flirty’ territory.
Her: “I’m so tired. It’s been such a long day already.”
Me: “Weakling. Maybe you should take a nap on your desk. Your boss won’t mind.”
Her: “Yeah right, I’d definitely get fired.”
Me. “OK, overachiever.”
3. Ask Her What She’s Thinking About
It’s never a bad idea to play off of something she’s said, especially if she walks headfirst into a joke.
Me: “How was your day?”
Her: “Ugh. Long, hard, and boring.”
Me: “Oof. That’s what she said!”
4. Use Her Name in Your Messages
When you use her name in a message from time to time, it tends to convey a more personal (and dare I say, authoritative) tone. This can actually create a little bit of emotional impact.
The difference is pretty huge:
Text Option #1: “Hey, how has your day been?”
Text Option #2: “Hey Sarah, how has your day been?”
5. Ask Her Thought Provoking Questions
Asking thought-provoking questions will stimulate her intellect and encourage her to engage in the conversation.
Women love to share their thoughts with attractive men.
If you need some help with this, you can pick through our exhaustive list of great hypothetical questions to find some awesome ideas.
If you prefer the ‘alternative’ route, you can also take some notes from our existential questions list.
Help! She’s Not Texting Back
Sometimes this happens.
Don’t panic and start double-texting her, though.
Instead, consult our in-depth text trouble guide, and deploy the steps to get on top of the problem (and hopefully solve it).
How to Subtly Flirt Over Text With a Girl
To subtly flirt over text with a girl, you want to ‘hint at’ being interested, tease a little bit, throw in a joke or two, and give her a little bit of a hard time—but to a very light degree.
For the most part, you’ll just want to sprinkle these elements sparingly into what would otherwise be a very normal conversation.
You never want to overdo it with flirting, especially via text. A little bit of flirtation goes a long way. This is actually true to an extent in real life as well—but it’s definitely true over text.
Women also want to know that the man they’re talking to is a grownup who’s capable of having a productive conversation.
So while you do want to flirt a bit, it’s important that you don’t go over the top with it.
Now you know how to flirt with a girl like an absolute pro.
Just remember—as a man, your first responsibility is always to your mission and purpose in life.
Women are the ‘cherry’ on top of the already awesome ‘chocolate cake’ of life.
Always maintain this mindset, and you’ll find that you’ll be even more successful as you strive to engage with women, get numbers, and go on dates.
Go with grace, and never give up your power.
For a deeper dive into understanding female attraction, be sure to check out my eBook, Get the Women You Want: Decoding Female Attraction:
In this 98 page PDF eBook, you'll learn to ‘decode’ female attraction and understand the formula you need to apply to become the ‘attractive playboy’ that women actually pursue, crave, and desire. Joshua K. Sigafus takes you back to his formative years as a teenager, where he documents his experiences with his best friend, Garen—a natural lady’s man—and contrasts this with his own adolescent dating woes.
How do you physically flirt with a girl?
To physically flirt with a girl, you want to do 3 things.
1. Verbally banter with her (tell some jokes, poke a little bit of fun, tease a little bit).
2. Overcome the temptation to put her on a pedestal.
3. Physically flirt with her by using slight, innocent, innocuous touch to send powerful ‘attraction’ messages that’ll create an immediate and powerful emotional and psychological impact.
How do you flirt with a girl without being obvious?
You accomplish this by just not going overboard.
Personally, I like to use the 80/20 rule. About 80% of my communication with the girl will be ‘normal conversation.’ And then, about 20% of it will be ‘flirty banter.’
How do you flirt with a girl over Snapchat?
Snapchat gives you the ability to send fun little videos and photos that are overlaid with text to each other—and these are awesome tools for flirting. Personally, I think it’s a fantastic idea to use these humorously when talking to a woman. If you try to make it too serious, it can seriously backfire and come off as looking weird.
So let your inner comedian out of the box on Snapchat. Don’t go overboard—but have fun, be yourself, and don’t take it too seriously.