At the age of 30, my 10 year marriage came to an end.
I moved out, rented a small one-bedroom apartment, and started my new life.
“No problem.” My ignorantly optimistic inner voice told me as I mourned the death of my matrimonial coupling. “I’ll just get a new girlfriend. It’ll be easy.”
But boy, was I wrong.
Over the next few months, I realized that I had a massive hurdle in front of me.
Figuring out how to date again after being ‘off the market’ for over 12 years.
But see, my lessons were going to be especially painful. Because truth be told, I never really learned how to ‘date’ to begin with.
And so, I realized that I needed to educate myself and learn.
That’s when I started delving deeper into concepts like pickup, game, dating, human mating behavior, and the science of attraction.
I learned a lot.
In fact, I learned so much over the course of the next two years that I ended up starting my own dating coach business.
But here’s the thing:
Getting a girlfriend isn’t a massively difficult feat to achieve.
I managed to succeed, and I was just a normal guy.
But it’ll challenge you. And the more you know, the better off you’ll be.
So in this post, I’m going to lay it all out for you.
If you’re ready for a girlfriend in your life, this is the last guide you’ll ever need.
Key Things to Consider Before Starting the Process of Getting a Girlfriend
Step #1: Get Your Mindset Right
The very first thing you need to do is get your headspace right as a man.
You need to adopt a strong, powerful masculine frame, and start living like a true alpha male.
Now, not every man is going to be alpha, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
But in any case, it’s incredibly important to understand one thing.
You need to level up to become a better man. This is the first and most important step on the path to succeeding at getting a girlfriend who’ll display true, real, burning sexual desire for you.
Step #2: Don’t Be Desperate For Women to like You
This is the next step.
To put it simply, you want to escape the scarcity mindset, and adopt a mindset of true sexual abundance.
Men who are ‘desperate’ for women to like them give off powerful low value markers—whereas high value men who are pursuing their purpose in life and striving to make a lasting difference in the universe give off powerful high value markers.
This is incredibly important, because beautiful women are only truly interested in high value men.
Step #3: Work On Becoming a High Value Man
Becoming a high value man is a lifelong pursuit.
But you can start today by changing your mindset, leveling up your body, increasing your earning potential, and educating yourself.
Start hitting the gym.
Start reading some quality books.
Start listening to some great podcasts.
In other words, start truly leveling up to become the best man you can possibly be.
You don’t have to completely succeed at all of this to start dating, though.
As long as you’re getting started, putting in the work, and have a plan for your future, you’re on the right track.
But a word of caution—you should never let women interfere with your personal journey as a man. As a man, you must press forward and become the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.
That needs to be your first priority, always.
But as your dating marketplace value increases, you’ll find that all of this self-improvement will give you a massive leg-up on the dating scene.
Next, let’s talk about where to meet women.
Part 1: Meet Women (How to Find a Girlfriend)
The main thing to keep in mind when preparing to go out and meet women is that you don’t want to be focused on meeting women.
This may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out.
You want to be focused on living your best life as a man, while also organically expanding your social circles.
See, there’s a distinct difference here.
Men who are constantly chasing women convey a subtle, yet loud message—a message of sexual scarcity, desperation, and low value.
And women pick up on it.
Whereas, men who are out to live their best lives, pursue their purpose, and meet other high-value people (without obsessing about women) give off a much different vibe—a vibe of sexual abundance, masculine power, and high value.
Step #4: Put On Your High-Value Uniform
Before heading out to meet people, make friends, build connections, and meet beautiful women, it’s important to get your look nailed down.
And that means putting a number of outfits together that ensure that no matter what day of the week it is, if you go out, you’ll be looking fine as hell.
The last thing you want is to meet someone important (or a super-hot woman) looking like a slob who just rolled out of bed.
So put some thought into what types of clothes look best on you, and start putting together some outfits so that you’ll always have one ready.
Check out this guide to putting together the perfect first-date ensemble.
Learn how to dress for your body type, so you can look good regardless of what shape you’re currently in.
Need an all-around guide on how to dress well as a man for different occasions? Read about men’s dress codes here.
Check out this post for our top tips on where to go to actually meet women in the real world, and to also reference our in-depth guide for how to approach them.
But the main thing to remember is this:
You must proactively, organically expand your social circles if you want to meet women.
That means saying ‘yes’ to things that people invite you to, and taking responsibility for finding fun, social things to do (either with your boys, or by yourself) at least a couple days per week.
Step #6: Develop Alpha Male Confidence
Alright. You’re working on your mindset, you’re dressing like a true modern gentleman, and you’re expanding your social circles.
If you’re doing it right, eventually you’re going to run into some hotties.
Now, it’s time to start nailing the 5 essential dating skills.
But it all starts with a healthy dose of alpha male confidence.
Women are interested in mysterious, powerful men who believe in themselves.
They’re not interested in men who don’t have any confidence, charisma, or self esteem.
For this, I’m going to refer you to my all-time favorite human body language expert, Vanessa Van Edwards.
Check out this post for a quick guide on how to level-up your confidence.
Or, consider picking up a copy of her book Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.
Alright. Now it’s time for a crash-course in the 5 overarching dating skills.
Step #7: Use the 5 Overarching Dating Skills to Ask Women on Dates
These skills will take you from zero to hero if you learn how to use them correctly.
Granted, this is going to be a super basic overview. But the ideas are pretty simple.
Being aware of how the flow of the engagement is going is the key to staying on-point and avoiding a stall-out.
Most men who struggle to get dates get hung up on one or more of these skills—so the more you practice them, and the better you get at smoothly transitioning through them, the better you’ll get at seamlessly approaching women, engaging them, and successfully asking them out.
It all starts with the approach.
The approach step is the start of the process, and takes place before you say anything.
It covers walking up to her, looking confident, looking as good as possible, and making a powerful first impression.
The most important thing about approaching a woman is to make sure that your body language is on-point.
Kezia Noble calls this ‘The Stage.’ If you want to go really in-depth on this, I’d suggest grabbing a copy of her book The Noble Art of Seducing Women.
But, the basics are as follows:
- Be well-groomed and well-dressed
- Approach with confidence
- Make magnetic eye contact
- Be sure of yourself
- Don’t hesitate, act intimidad, or act ‘afraid’ of her
- Keep your chin up, your shoulders back, and your spine straight
And most of all—don’t put her on a pedestal or treat her like she’s better than you. That’s a one-way-ticket to ‘unsexy’ town.
This is one of the most over-analyzed parts of the entire dating process.
Some men will try to memorize and use pick-up lines or routines.
But in all honesty, the best way to engage with a woman is just to be your authentic self.
I usually start off with a quick introduction, followed immediately by the reason for why I’m engaging with her to begin with.
Here are a few examples of ‘openers’ I’ve used with women before, and they all turned out to be pretty successful:
- “Hello. My name is Josh. What’s your name?”
- “Hey, my name is Josh. Listen, you probably get this all the time, but I have to ask. Can I get your number?”
- “Hey, I just wanted to say that I really like your piercing. I also like your tattoos. My name is Josh. What’s your name?”
I definitely don’t overthink it when I introduce myself and engage with women. And to be honest, that seems to work the best.
Offering a good, firm handshake can also be a great compliment to the greeting.
For the most part, you want the engagement to be professional—though you do want to make sure to make magnetic eye contact, and to try your best to exude masculine sexual energy.
See, you want her to feel that you’re into her without having to come right out and say it.
If you want a great resource for learning how to engage with women authentically, I recommend you read Models by Mark Manson.
This book changed my life. Period. It'll teach you how to be more honest, vulnerable, and how to set boundaries so that you can truly connect with women and attract them without manipulation. It should be mandatory reading for all guys.
After you’ve introduced yourself to her, it’ll be time to start some kind of conversation. Obviously, the topic, depth, and mood of this conversation will be dictated by the context.
But the important thing to remember is that you don’t want to get stalled-out on boring small-talk.
See, connection is a powerful precursor to sexual attraction for women.
And the best way to build connection with a woman is to take the conversation from ‘non-personal’ to ‘personal’ as quickly as possible.
This is usually accomplished by asking her genuine questions about her life, ideas, hobbies, beliefs, etc.
In other words—just try to get to know her a little bit.
If she asks you questions in return, open up and share some answers about yourself.
Being vulnerable closes what I call the ‘connection loop,’ and generates a deeper level of trust and intimacy.
If you’re looking for a great resource for learning about building connection with women and why it’s important, pick up a copy of The Man’s Guide to Women, by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman.
When asking a woman out on a date, you’re probably not going to sexually escalate too much.
A little bit goes a long way at this early stage of the game.
But you do need to sexually escalate, because this tells her in very clear language that you’re sexually interested in her.
And that’s a really important part of the process that a lot of men struggle with. If you don’t do this successfully, she may write the interaction off as an attempt at friendship, and proceed to friendzone you.
If I saw a woman at the mall and decided that I wanted to ask her out, I’d:
- Approach her confidently (approach)
- Introduce myself (engage)
- Start some small talk (engage)
- Ask her a couple of questions to get to know her (build connection)
- Sexually escalate mildly by flirting a tiny bit, and then touching her arm ever-so-slightly (sexually escalate)
- Then, go in for the close—which in this case, would be me getting her number and/or asking her to get a coffee with me later (close)
Plus, I’d make it quick. Most likely, all of this would happen in the span of less than 5 minutes.
In other words, sexually escalating when asking women out or getting their number is a subtle art.
Exuding masculine sexual confidence, engaging in a bit of flirting, and utilizing a very small amount of physical contact is usually enough to do the trick.
Closing is the part of the process where you ask for the number, or ask her out on the date.
During this part, it’s extremely important that you remain confident.
You need to believe that she’s going to say yes, and act accordingly.
Because you want her to feel at ease.
My favorite way to navigate this is to just be natural about it.
I’ll usually say something like this:
“Hey, it was great meeting you. I have to jet, but I’d love to hang out sometime. Let me get your number.”
At this point, I’d pull out my phone, completely expecting her to be at ease with giving me her number, and proceed to type it in as she gives it to me.
You always want to assume she’s going to say yes.
Pro tip: You’ll get a ‘yes’ more often if you get her to answer ‘yes’ to another question before asking for the number.
Step #8: Overcome Your Approach Anxiety
A lot of men struggle with approach anxiety.
They’re afraid to walk up to women and start a conversation.
But here’s the truth.
The simplest way to overcome it is to do it.
When I first started learning how to approach women, I gave myself a quota.
I had to approach a certain number of women every day, and ask them for their number.
This got me out of the habit of being afraid of rejection, and got me into the habit of enjoying interacting with beautiful women, regardless of what the outcome was going to be.
I talked to fast-food workers, waitresses, women at coffee shops, women at the bookstore, women at the club, women at the grocery store—wherever women were to be found, I’d be approaching and starting conversations.
And guess what?
Sure, I got a lot of ‘no’ answers. But the more practice I got, the more I started to get more ‘yes’ responses on a regular basis.
See, if you never ask, you’ll never succeed.
Step #9: Don’t Take Rejection Personally
I’ll be honest with you.
Not every attempt to ask a woman out is going to end with a ‘yes.’
You’re going to face some rejection.
But that’s OK.
As a man, your mentality about rejection should be a positive one.
It’s better to be rejected 100 times than to never step up to the plate and ask.
So if you get a ‘no,’ that’s ok. Hold your head high, smile, thank her for her time, and go on about your business.
You just got some free practice, which’ll make you that much more likely to get a ‘yes’ the next time you try.
Part 2: Go on Dates
You’re expanding your social circles, you’re dressing fine on a regular basis, and you’re running into more and more beautiful women.
You’re also overcoming your approach anxiety, and are asking them out.
And guess what? You’re going to be successful, as long as you stick with it.
Your head is also in the right place. You’re ready to act like a high value man.
Well, now it’s time to start dating several high value women.
That’s right. The goal isn’t necessarily to just get one ‘yes.’
Your goal is to start dating as many beautiful women as possible.
“But wait, Josh. Why several? Doesn’t that make me a player? I just want a girlfriend, not to live like a playboy.”
If this is the case, should you really be dating more than one woman at a time?
And in order to understand the answer, it’s imperative that you understand a concept called plate theory.
Step #10: Deploy ‘Plate Theory’ to Explore Your Options
The first time I heard about plate theory was by listening to Rollo Tamassi—the author of The Rational Male.
Basically, this is what it means.
Have you ever gone to a fair, and watched the ‘plate guy’ balance plates on sticks?
He’ll spin one, two, three, four, and even more plates on sticks, spinning them and spinning them. He’ll dash from plate to plate as they slow down, spinning them back to life so that they don’t lose enough momentum to fall to the ground.
If one plate slows down enough to fall, he’ll just grab another one and start balancing it again.
I’ve seen these guys spin as many as a dozen plates on sticks!
Now, think about the plates as women—and you’ll have a pretty solid idea of what ‘plate theory’ means.
Basically, this just means to date multiple women at the same time.
You continue to do this until one woman truly stands out as being so exceptional, and such a complement to your life, that you realize that you’re probably just wasting your time on the ‘lower value’ women, and you eventually let them fall away and devote more of your time to that ‘one, amazing’ woman who seems to stand head-and-shoulders above the rest.
Why Spin Plates?
Why not just date one woman at a time?
There’s a lot of complicated human mating behavior stuff that goes into this.
But for simplicity’s sake, I’m going to condense it down to be as simple as possible.
Women want the highest value man they can possibly find.
But in order to become a high value man, you must be willing to work, work, work on yourself.
Being a high value man actually makes you a rare commodity.
Beautiful women can succeed on the dating marketplace just by being beautiful. But men don’t have this luxury.
Women won’t be satisfied by a ‘pretty boy’ who isn’t making real money, and building status and power for himself in life.
Therefore, once you actually become a high value man, you gain the upper hand in the dating marketplace.
Because beautiful women are actually quite plentiful—while high-value men actually aren’t.
Therefore, as a high value man, it’s in your best interest to take your time vetting women before getting into relationships with them.
But it’s also in your best interest to date several women at once while looking for that ‘exceptional’ girl to fill the girlfriend role in your life, because doing it this way is a more efficient process than just dating one girl at a time.
Plus, you never want to put all your eggs into one basket until you’re 100% sure that you’re choosing the best basket you could possibly choose.
Dating with this mentality lets women know that you’re serious about finding a high value partner. And if you’re high value enough, that’ll make it worth it to them to continue to date you, because they’ll know that you’re the best man on the radar.
It may seem counterintuitive, but when a woman knows that you may be spending time with other women, her attraction for you will tend to increase due to a phenomenon called ‘competition anxiety.’
Basically, it all boils down to this.
If she senses that you’re:
- Truly the highest value man on her radar
- Highly desired by other women
- Being actively pursued by other women
… her competitive instincts are going to kick in, and she’s going to be that much more driven to try to get your attention and gain your favor.
The only caveat to this is that it won’t work if you’re not high value.
Step #11: Narrow Down Your Options
Alright. Now that you understand plate theory, and have been actively dating several beautiful women for a while now, you’re probably starting to realize that one of them is starting to stand out as being a true complement to your life.
She’ll stand out as your favorite.
She just gets you better than the others.
The sex is better, she’s hotter, she’s not exhibiting any red flags, she’s more fun to hang out with, you get along with her friends and family—and you’re starting to feel like dating the ‘other women’ is just time wasted, because you’d rather be spending that time with her than with anyone else.
Gentlemen, this is how you’ll know that you’ve likely found the ‘girlfriend’ girl.
Here’s how to proceed.
Part 3: Escalate to a Relationship
The single most important thing to understand about this vital step is that, with you being a high value man, the woman should always enter your frame.
And the very first example of this is that the woman should always be the one to initiate the ‘where do we stand’ talk.
If you start this conversation instead of her, it’ll start the entire relationship off with you trying to enter her frame. That may make her happy in the short-term. But in the long term, it’ll threaten her respect for you as a high value man.
It’s quite possible that you’ll give off low-value markers if you’re the one who brings it up.
So this is how, as a man, you should escalate the relationship.
Step #12: Continue to Prioritize Your Growth as a Man
Even at this stage of the game, you must never prioritize this woman over things like:
- Growing your business
- Hitting the gym
- Spending time with your friends
- Doing things you enjoy and care about
This will help to solidify the fact that, even though the two of you are growing closer to the point of making agreements, you’re still your own man—and you still expect her to enter your frame, not the other way around.
Do not fall into the trap of making her the mission. Your mission is always your purpose and your growth as a man.
Step #13: Display Your Increased Interest in Her by Prioritizing Her over Other Women
As you start to ask her on more dates, have more sleepovers, do more activities with her, and give her more access to the ‘inside’ of your life, you’ll also be cutting other women out of that picture.
These other women won’t serve your purpose anymore, and they’ll eventually be replaced by this high-value woman with whom you can see a real relationship forming.
Make no mistake, she’ll notice this. You won’t even have to say anything about it. She’ll become aware of it. And if she’s interested in the same thing, this will cause her to want to grow closer to you, and she’ll be very thankful that she’s getting so much of your attention.
Step #14: Continue to Live Like a Single Man until She Brings Up ‘The Talk’
Now, this is the part where a lot of men really flounder and fail.
Here’s the truth, men.
Yes, you may like her, and she may be your favorite.
But until she initiates a serious ‘where do we stand talk’ with you, she’s NOT your girlfriend, and does NOT get girlfriend ‘rights’ to you, your time, your space, or your priorities.
You must continue to live your life as a single man.
You must continue to chase your purpose.
You must continue to only give her the space of ‘the girl you’re casually dating’ in your life, not the full ‘girlfriend space.’
Eventually, if she really wants you, this will compel her to want to lock you down, so that she doesn’t lose you.
And that’s when she’ll have the talk with you.
If she isn’t driven to have ‘the talk’ with you, something’s wrong—and you’d be better served to keep her in the ‘casual dating’ space.
Step #15: Make Agreements
You’ve come a long way.
You started with bettering yourself and becoming a higher value man.
You’ve expanded your social circles, overcome approach anxiety, and started dating several beautiful women.
And now, your favorite girl has sat you down and asked a very important question.
“So, what are we?”
“Are we officially boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“I want to make this official. Can we have ‘the talk’?”
Congratulations. This high value, beautiful woman actually wants you and desires to be your girlfriend.
But there’s one more important step.
Every committed relationship consists of agreements you make with one-another.
And at this point, you may need to discuss some ground rules.
You may want to talk to her about things like:
- Will you be monogamous?
- What types of things will you need from each other in order to be in a committed relationship?
- Can you both give each other the balance of freedom and domestic overlap required to make a relationship possible?
- And perhaps most importantly: is she willing to enter your frame and become a more intimate part of your life?
This doesn’t have to be a super serious or in-depth talk, and you may both just want to voice your most pressing requirements for now.
You’ll probably negotiate and make agreements continually throughout the relationship as it progresses, and that’s a good thing.
But all throughout this process, there’s one more thing that you need to do, as a man.
Step #16: Be a Man of Integrity
In other words, don’t be the kind of man who says one thing, and does another.
Don’t be the type of man who can’t be counted-on to fulfill the agreements he’s made with his girlfriend.
If you don’t want to agree to something, don’t.
And by the same token, also be firm in holding her to the agreements that she’s made.
And remember this.
You should never persist with a woman who doesn’t fulfill her end of the agreements.
To learn more about how to successfully navigate relationships with women, consider purchasing and reading The Man’s Guide To Women, by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Other Resources to Consider
Believe it or not, navigating a committed relationship with a woman is a lot more work than spinning plates and dating.
Here are some books I’d absolutely recommend reading before you jump into a long-term-relationship with a girlfriend:
To Be A Man: A Guide To True Masculine Power, by Robert Augustus Masters.
The Rational Male, by Rollo Tomassi.
The Unplugged Alpha, by Richard Cooper.
Hopefully, this post has answered all of your questions about how to get a girlfriend, and has helped you to understand all of the steps involved in the process.
One final piece of advice:
Remember to continue to chase excellence, level-up, and pursue your purpose as a man.
Getting a girlfriend is a big step in life, and it can be a lot of fun.
But it should never be the total focus of your life and energy.
Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.
How can I make a girl fall in love with me?
You can’t technically ‘make a woman fall in love with you.’ But you can increase the odds of it happening organically. How? By leveling up and becoming a true high-value man. That’s what women are looking for. And the closer you get to that mark, the easier it’ll be to get real attention from high-value, beautiful women.
How do you ask a girl to be your girlfriend?
As a high value man, it isn’t in your best interest to initiate the ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ discussion. Continue living life as a single man, and embrace single sexual abundance until your favorite girl sits you down and tries to ‘lock you down’ with a ‘where do we stand’ talk. Then, you decide if you’re ready to commit to this woman or not.
It’s that simple.
How do you get a girlfriend over text?
Not only should men never initiate the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ conversation, but they should NEVER, EVER initiate it via text.
This type of thing should always happen face to face. Text messaging should serve only three purposes during the dating process:
1. Text briefly to arrange face-to-face dates
2. Text to check-in, flirt, and make small talk throughout the day (once you start seeing each other on a more regular basis)
3. Text to ask important questions or to relay important information quickly (like what time you’re meeting up, or to let her know that you’re running late)
Important conversations should never take place via text.